A collection of family-friendly stories and one-liners. ROFL!
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Slogans and Signs

These are real signs. Some are tongue in cheek, others are horrendous mistakes. Enjoy.
From lots of people.  Feel free to submit your favorites.

Slogans and Signs
Holiday sign in the endoscopy unit of a medical office: Christmas is a great time to look up old friends.
A wine and liquor store In Oja, California, USA: Attitude Adjustment Shoppe.

A food truck: Jurassic Pork.

A food truck: What the Pho.
A locksmith in Portsmouth, England: Surelock Homes.
A glass service company in Dallas Texas, USA: Carl's Pane in the Glass.
A doggy day care boutique in Thousand Oaks California, USA: Indiana Bones Temple of Groom
A laundromat in Brighton Massachusetts, USA: The Found Sock.
A landscapting company in Raleigh North Carolina , USA run by a former policeman: Lawn and Order.
A plumbing company in Blackburn Victoria, Australia: YahPoo.
A scarf company In Edinburgh, Scotland: Thistle Do Nicely.
A coffee house in Haymarket Virginia, USA: Deja Brew.
A bicycle shop in Oxford, in the United Kingdom: Cycloanalyists.
In London England, United Kingdom, you can purchase juices, coffee, salads, and soups at NinComSoup.
A hair salon and spa In St. Peters Missouri, USA: Shear Lock Combs.
A restaurant in Parkville Maryland, USA: Pita Pan.
A motel in Cocoa Beach Florida, USA: Luna Sea.
A British chain of wine shops: Planet of the Grapes.
An Italian restaurant in Hong Kong China: Pappa Razzi.
A Mexican restaurant in Ocean City Maryland, USA: Tequila Mockingbird.
A number of hair salons are named "Scissors Palace".
If you have trouble with your vehicle near Fredericksburg Virginia, USA< you can call Frog and Towed automotive.
A nursery has a sign advising, "It's spring. We are so excited we wet our plants."
In northern Virginia, USA, you can see trucks from Peed Plumbing.

On a roller coaster: "Watch your head."

On the grounds of a public school: "No trespassing without permission."

On a Tennessee, USA, highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

A Tattoo parlor in Denver Colorado, USA: Th'Ink Tank.
Seen on a Dairy Queen sign: Just scream until Dad stops the car.
On Van Dyke Avenue in Warren Michigan, USA: The Christian Cathedral Restoration Full Gospel Church is located next door to the Marked For Life tattoo parlor. Now, when you get religion, you can tell the world about it.
Smithwick plumbing, in Camilla Georgia, USA: In our business a flush beats a full house every time. Allen Madding
Seen on the rear of a septic tank pump truck: Hauling leftover political debates. Bruce Ricker
A West Virtinia, USA, veterinarian who was also a taxidermist had a sign reading: Either way, you get your dog back.
In Keyser West Virginia, USA, there is a place called Honeymooner's Gun Shop.
In Merrill Wisconsin, USA, the X-to-C Restaurant is located at the intersection of county highways X and C.
El-Dee's Pet Shop and El-Dee's Bait Shop are in Boston Massachusetts, USA.
In Clatskamie Oregon, USA you can find whatever you need at the Tanning, Saw Sharpening & Groceries store.
Arlington Virginia, USA has a store that sells Indian spices and appliances.
Oops! is a chain of hair salons in Boston Massachusetts, USA.
The Lactation Station sells breast pumps in Lexington Kentucky, USA.
Great Cod Almighty is a fish and chips shop in the United Kingdom.
Fruit-Filled Ministries is a storefront church and bakery in Talladega Alabama, USA.
Rodger Reid and Marsha Wright opened an antique book store named Reid and Wright.
Rocky and Bullwinkle used to feature a destruction and demolition company named Edifice Wrecks.
A Wichita Kansas, USA, tattoo and piercing parlor is named Holier Than Thou.
Knobs and Knockers sells house furnishings in Dublin Ireland, UK.
A computer training company in suburban Washington DC, USA, is name Fig Leaf. Their slogan is We've got you covered.
A hair salon named Last Tangle.
Leaf It To Me, yard care.
There is a flower shop called Florist Gump.
At Harbor Hospital in Baltimore Maryland, USA, there is a flower vending machine called Petal Pushers.
In the Quad Cities area of Iowa and Illinois you will find Better Than A Brick, a vehicle unlocking service.
In Christchurch, New Zealand there is a chinese restaurant called the Hard Wok Cafe.
In Reno Nevada, USA, the Kung Food Chinese restaurant gets excellent reviews.
In Arnold California, USA there is a propane company called Ebbett's Pass Gas.
In Milwaukee Wisconsin, USA, there used to be a butcher shop on Beecher Street called Beecher Meat.
In Rolling Meadows Illinois, USA, near Chicaco, you will find the Best Head barbershop.
In Vernon Hills Illinois, USA, near Chicago, you will find the Ash Wipes chimney sweeps.
We wonder how many members there are in the the Alabama USA church called The Church of God and Jesus Only.
In Boulder Colorado, USA, there is a sandwich shop named Half Fast Subs.
A longtime custom-made brassiere shop in the Los Angeles California, USA area is named The Booby Trap.
In San Francisco California, USA, a tax accountant on Geary Street is named I. M. Wong.
In Hawthorn (??) a store has a large sign announcing Bottoms Caned. After looking closer you will see that it is a chair store.
Seven Eights Liquors in Bloomington Indiana, USA, has the phone number of 888-8888.
In Austin Texas, USA, there is a flower shop named The Enchanted Florist.
In College Park Maryland, USA, there is a carry-out restaurant near Maryland University named Cluck-U Chicken.
A truck belonging to a septic tank firm named Suck Cess.
A green grocer called the Veggie Table.
In Houston Texas, USA, is a hair salon named Tease Me, Please Me.
A company that empties outhouses and grease pits in restaurants is Blow Brothers. One of brothers is named Joe.
Sign on the side of a porta-potty pumper truck: 28,000 lbs. of very gross weight.
A janitorial supply in Albuquerque New Mexico named Talk Dirty To Me.
Fock Yu Chinese Restaurant in San Francisco California, USA.
In Hyattsville Maryland, USA, there was the gynecology practice of Dr. Robert W. Rabbett.
Charlotte North Carolina, USA, had a dental clinic: Drs. Sharpe & Payne.
A Little Rock Arkansas, USA, garden supply store called: The Hoe House.
Great Head hair salon, Chicago Illinois, USA.
In Western New York, USA< the region's largest funeral home chain was Amigone Funeral Homes.
Accurate Screw Machine, a machinist in New Jersey, USA.
Possible state motto for Wisconsin, USA: "Come to Wisconson and smell our dairy air".
In Kensington Maryland, USA, there are two stores in one building: Engage Armament and a model train store. If you get frustrated with your trains, there is a way to deal with it.
In San Diego California, USA< there are two stores under one roof: Bob's Liquor and Hiram's Ammo. (Ski mask and panty hose are not available!)
Raiders of the Lost Art, art gallery.
Mr. Potty, plumbing and sewage repair.
Manely Hair, Barber shop.
We'll Floor U, tile installation.
Two window treatment companies: The Shady Lady and Love is Blinds.

The Hairtaker Barbershop, Los Angeles California, USA.

Bye Bye Bifocals Opticians, Dallas Texas, USA.
Crummy Plumbing Company, Ocean Shores Washington, USA.
A Pane in the Glass Glassworks, Naples Florida, USA.
Wok-N-Roll Chinese restaurant, Yarmouth Post Massachusetts, USA.
Franks A Lot Restaurant, Kansas City Missouri, USA.
Great Buns Bakery, Las Vegas Nevada, USA.
Gamble Insurance Agency, Central South Carolina, USA.
Deadman Funeral Home, Manchester Tennessee, USA.
Crook's Hit N Run in Senoia Georgia, USA, is a gas station/convenience store.
The Cease Funeral Home, Bemidji Minnesota, USA.

Roach Realty runs several rather crappy looking apartment complexes in Greensboro North Carolina, USA.

The Best Little Hairhouse, a hair salon in St. Mary's Georgia, USA..
In Denton Maryland, USA, the hair stylist named Curl up and Dye is located across the street from the funeral home.
On a Philadelphia Pennsylvania, USA, funeral shop window: We would rather do business with 1000 Al Qaeda terrorists than with one single American.
On a flower shop station wagon in Silver Spring Maryland, USA: This vehicle makes fragrant stops.
Name for a coffee shop: Java the hut.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
Sign at a hospital endoscopy lab: Christmas is a great time to look up old friends.
Seen in a John Deere sales office: The only machine we don't stand behind is our manure spreader.
In a Woodworking Shop: You should see what we saw!
Sign on a Kane Trucking trailer: Kane is Able.
Sign on a food service truck: What foods these morsels be.
Sign inside a horse car: Gentlemen will refrain from smoking. Others are requested not to.
A sign at the zoo: Those who throw objects at the crocodiles will be asked to retrieve them.
Maternity Clothes Shop:  We are open on labor day.
On a Front Door:  Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.
On a Maternity Room Door:  Push, Push, Push.
Non-smoking area:  If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
Optometrist's Office:  If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
Scientist's Door:  Gone Fission.
Taxidermist Window:  We really know our stuff.
Podiatrist's Window:  Time wounds all heels.
Sign on Fence:  Salesmen welcome.  Dog food is expensive.
Car Dealership:  The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.
Muffler Shop:  No appointment necessary.  We'll hear you coming.
Hotel:  Help! We need inn - experienced people.
Butcher's Window:  Pleased to meat you.
Sign in an office:  We shoot every 3rd salesman. The 2nd one just left.
Veterinarians Waiting Room:  Be back in 5 minutes.  Sit!  Stay!
The Electric Company:  We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be.
Beauty Shop:  Dye now! 
Garbage Truck:  We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Computer Store:  Out for a quick byte
Diner Window: Don't stand there and be hungry. Come in and get fed up.
Bowling Alley:  Please be quiet.  We need to hear a pin drop.
Cafeteria:  Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria.  Socks can eat any place they want.
Music Library:  Bach in a minuet.
Funeral Home:  Drive carefully. We'll wait.
2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.    
Vacation Special:  Have your home exterminated.  
At a gym: We build bodies that last a lifetime.
If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery.  It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge.  Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.  
Sign in a dry cleaners: As you rip we shall sew.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.  
Sheer stockings.  Designed for fancy dress but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
Sign on an electrician's truck:  Let us remove your shorts. IBEW Local 26
Lost:  Small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant.  Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special: Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For sale:  An antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
Wanted:  50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.
Great Dames for sale.  
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion.  Blue Cross and salary.
Tired of cleaning yourself?  Let me do it.  
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Dog for sale:  Eats anything and is fond of children.
Toaster:  A gift that every member of the family appreciates.  Automatically burns toast.
Stock up and save.  Limit: one.
Wanted:  Chambermaid in rectory.  Love in, $200 a month.  References required.
Used Cars:  Why go elsewhere to be cheated?  Come here first!
Wanted.  Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school.  Experience preferred.
Our bikinis are exciting.  They are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service.  Free pick-up and delivery.  Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Illiterate?  Write today for free help.
Wanted.  Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
And now, the Superstore: Unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
Dry cleaning services.  We do not tear your clothing with machinery.  We do it carefully by hand.
For sale.  Three canaries of undermined sex.
Have several old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Vacation special.  Have your house exterminated.
For rent: 6 room hated apartment.
Man, honest.  Will take anything.
Christmas tag-sale.  Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Wanted.  Hair cutter.  Excellent growth potential.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $10.00.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory.  Must be willing to travel.
Starts tomorrow.  Semi-annual after-Christmas sale.
Mixing bowl set designed to please cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
At a Santa Fe gas station:  We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.
In a New York City, USA, restaurant:  Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.
On the wall of a Baltimore Maryland, USA, estate:  Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.  --  Sisters of Mercy
On a long-established New Mexico, USA, dry cleaners:  38 years on the same spot
In a Los Angeles dance hall:  Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.
Safety tip on Japanese kitchen knife: Warning - keep out of children.
In a Florida maternity ward:  No children allowed.
In a New York City, USA, drugstore:  We dispense with accuracy.
In the offices of a loan company:  Ask about our plans for owning your home.
In a New York City, USA, medical building:  Mental Health Prevention Center
On a New York convalescent home:  For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.
On a Maine, USA, shop:  Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.
At a number of military bases:  Restricted to unauthorized personnel.
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards:  Now available in multi-packs.
In the window of a Kentucky, USA, appliance store:  Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.
In a funeral parlor:  Ask about our layaway plan.
In a clothing store:  Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.
In a Tacoma Washington, USA, men's clothing store:  15 men's wool suits, $10.  They won't last an hour!
On a shopping mall marquee:  Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced
Outside a country shop:  We buy junk and sell antiques.
In the window of an Oregon, USA, store:  Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?
In a Maine, USA, restaurant:  Open 7 days a week and weekends.
`On a radiator repair garage:  Best place to take a leak.

In the vestry of a New England, USA, church:  Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.

In a Pennsylvania, USA, cemetery:  Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

In front of a New Hampshire, USA< car wash:  If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.
Somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says:  Do not throw stones at this sign.  
Sign at a building site in Rockville Maryland, USA:  Monarc Construction - Expanding by Contracting.
Sign on a Mudge Paper Co. truck, Washington DC, USA:  Caution - This is a paper truck.
Sign on a florist's delivery car in suburban Washington DC, USA:  Peony Express.
On a dry cleaner's truck: If your clothes are not becoming to you, you should be coming to us.
The name of a Richmond Virginia, USA, coffee shop: Brewed Awakenings.
Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business".
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels.
Sign over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
At a proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit please back in."
On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee Wisconsin, USA: "Invite us to your next blowout."
Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Can we pick your nose?"
At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
At a propane filling station: "Tank heaven for little grills."

New Scientist, 18 July 1998, reports that the Acme ultrasonic dog whistle warns purchasers:  "This product will be ineffective if your dog is deaf." 

Not for real, but don't you wish: On a Vampire Trucking Company truck: If you can see my mirrors you still can't see me.


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