Some years ago Bob Newhart released a comedy album entitled "The Button Down Mind of Bob Newhart". It featured some rather funny routines.
There are three types of eclipses:
- The earth comes between the sun and the moon: Lunar eclipse.
- The moon comes between the earth and the sun: Solar eclipse.
- The sun comes between the earth and the moon: Apocalypse.
|
| I'm cheering for one of the Hobbit characters. I must be a Frodo Rooter. |
| Mix quinine and feline and you get catatonic. |
Where I work a number of people need a lobotomy and a number of people need a hemorrhoidectomy. The good news is that some of them can have both procedures done at the same time, in the same place. |
| My new brewery will produce Responsibly Beer. Think of all of the free advertising I will get, when announcers remind their listeners to drink Responsibly. |
| Did you ever have one of those days all week? Sometimes mine last all month. |
| ... and for the convenience of those theater patrons who elect to use their cell phones and other electronic devices during the performance, in the event other patrons feel led to correct the situation we have a team of proctology specialists who will be happy to assist with their removal. |
| An entire seventh of your life is devoted to Mondays, or an eighth if you are a Beatle. |
| May the lobsters of a thousand pots infest your underwear. (Old Arabic saying, which I just invented.) |
| Christmas is not over. When you get your credit card statements next month they will be saying, "I am the ghost of Christmas presents." |
| Can a church organist play a voluntary while under duress? |
| Ever have one of those days when you are kissing Prince Charming and he turns into a frog? I don't like frog days. |
| With God nothing is impossible. The problem is that so many of his people get in the way. |
| I'm a night person due to my cicadian rhythm. I can't see getting up early more often than every 13 or 17 years. |
| Technology is wonderful. Now, a flasher does not have to expose himself. He just shows a picture of himself on his i-Pod to unsuspecting passersby. |
My boss was going to give me a Blackberry. Instead, he gave me the Raspberry. |
| Stop the NIMBYs! |
| If you are going to a costume party can you dress up as a nudist? |
| The pessimist says, "I don't think I can do it."
The optimist says, "I know I cannot do it." |
| A pessimist says, "The wine glass is half empty."
An optimist says, "The wine glass is half full."
The opportunist drinks the wine. |
| Perhaps it is wise that the International Olympic Committee has not entertained the idea of a new winter sport: The equestrian luge. |
| I gave my son a box of miniature jeeps but I am not sure that he liked them. He told his brother that I gave him a case of the Willys. |
| Inserting a catheter into a sleeping male lion is not a good formula for a long life. |
| The food is always greener on the other side of the fridge. |
| Answering the phone at a fast food restaurant in Laurel, MD: Thank you for calling the Laurel Hardees. |
| Answering the phone at store #234 of a large chain near an army post: Thank you for calling Pizza Hut - two - three - four. |
| As they say in the Army: Horp minus hreep is hut. |
| You know it is going to be a bad evening when you discover, too late, that the cat barfed in your CPAP mask. |
| Can cat lovers bark their shins? Do they meow them instead? |
| Would you call a group of men who castrate bulls a steering committee? |
| The Bible declares homosexuality to be an abomination unto the Lord. It says the same thing about the eating of shellfish. So, if a homosexual eats shellfish is it two abominations or just one big one? |
| I have known several women who lost 30-40 pounds in just a few minutes with the Lamaze diet. |
| Can a gay comedian have a straight man? |
| Nursing mothers should make great orators because they are so good at expressing themselves. |
| I once tried to teach someone everything I know but he did not have five minutes to spare. |
| The Post Office now sells a "Forever" stamp that is guaranteed to be good for first class postage even if the rates rise. I thought it meant that the mail would take forever to get there. |
| The Government says that my employer must accommodate my religious beliefs whenever possible. I hereby declare myself to be an Orthodox Seventh-Day Sunni Jehovah's Latter-Day Bahá'í Baptist. Since I cannot work on my Sabbaths, or the eves prior to them, that counts me out for most of the week. I'll be available on alternate Mondays for a few hours if you need me. |
| Our laughing seamstress just hems and haws. |
| If you have three weeks of icy weather, that is normal. But when you have one warm winter day, that is global warming. That is not bad for a gradual process that supposedly took half a century to notice. |
| If you believe in reincarnation you should go get a life. Several of them. |
| The store shelves were picked cleaner than your bank account after a lawyer got done with it. |
| I am doing my part to Save the Planet. I have plenty of it my closets and a lot more of it in my basement. Maybe it's time for a yard sale? |
| Yes, that seat does have my name on it. My name is "Samsonite". |
| If you like heavy metal, buy a steam locomotive. |
| As the psychiatrist said, "For every action there is an equal and interesting reaction." |
| My living will is posted plainly on the steering column of my car: Do Not Resuscitate - Plant. |
| Put a slice of Jewish egg bread into a glass with coconut milk and rum for a delicious Challah piña colada. |
If you read Shakespeare and then recite poetry, you are going from Bard to Verse.
If you have a modem that lets you surf or talk, you can go from Baud to Voice.
If you clamp a warped piece of metal to straighten it, you are going from Bowed to Vice.
If we keep this up we will be yelled at and hit with a flower holder, going from Booed to Vase. |
| They were casting for a new movie about classical musicians. Chevy Chase said, "I'll be Beethoven". Steve Martin said, "I'll be Chopin". Arnold Schwartzenegger said, "I'll be Bach." |
| Our somewhat limited communications device is called "Hunchback". It is a quasi-modem. |
| An open mouth does not hear very well. |
| Dock tried by jury of its piers. |
| Save the crows! Everyone needs a caws. |
| Traffic was backed up so badly that the enema truck could not even get through. |
| The file server at Mad Magazine reported a failure due to a Parody error. |
| Everybody and his brother is into nepotism and cronyism. |
| It's your fault that I'm blame-shifting. |
| If you would like a nice warm, fuzzy feeling just check out some of the things inside my fridge. |
| Take advantage of our "Janet Jackson Special". All brassieres half off. |
| Our new blog is entitled, "Keeping Abreast with Janet Jackson". |
| Complex problems usually have simple solutions. Unfortunately, it can take weeks to find the simple solution. |
| I found a great new Website. It's behind our furnace. |
| Ethical dilemma: If your refrigerator's ice maker churns out crescent shaped pieces of ice, can you still call them ice cubes? |
| If you run over your son with a steam roller does that make you an heir compressor? |
| Can you go window shopping online using a Macintosh computer? |
| If a school of small fish suddenly stops swimming, is that called minnow pause? |
| If two marijuana plants are paying their taxes, can they file a joint return? |
| Some people are like an owl with a speech impediment. They just don't give a hoot. |
| If a bunch of TV technicians in Afghanistan overthrows the government, is that a Kabul cable cabal? |
| Is "The Electric Slide" a subway train on icy rails? |
| If Riki Tiki Tavi loses his job, is he covered by COBRA insurance? |
| Someone gave me some horrible tasting candy. It was flat and stretchy and sticky and covered with fur. I think it was Riki Tiki Taffy. |
| The sign at Eatzi's Market and Bakery says "Food for the taking." Can you be arrested for shoplifting there? |
| If the game really is "Final Fantasy", why do they keep releasing new versions of it? |
| If an aerodrome is where airplanes take off and land, what is a hippodrome? |
| If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? |
| Is a short guy who works in the subway a Metro Gnome? |
| If humans have nightmares, what do horses have? |
| What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free? |
| Did you hear about the Kodak streaker? He was arrested for being over-exposed and under-developed. |
| A Palindrome is a word or sentence that reads the same forward or backwards. How come "Palindrome" isn't a palindrome? |
| What do you call male ballerinas? |
| Why do lemon flavored drinks contain mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons? |
| If you pine for someone when you miss them, when you REALLY miss them do you oak for them? |
| If women get goose bumps do men get gander bumps? |
| Do children get gosling bumps? |
| Is a baby octopus called an octokitten? |
| Does a mother platypus have platykittens? |
| If you have nightmares at night do you have daymares during the day? |
| If men have nightmares do women have night stallions? |
| Could a package of vegetables be appropriately labeled "Caution: Squash. Do not crush"? (Courtesy of Bob Rench). |
| The hardware store sells hot water heaters. So, who needs to heat hot water? |
| When you cook a coconut in the microwave, do you cook it as long as you would cook a watermelon? |
| What do you get when you cross a chicken with a streetcar? Ding-ding, cluck-cluck, and a mess all over the track. |
| If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what is a humanitarian? An egalitarian? |
| Is a quarterback a refund from a vending machine? |
| An Uninterruptible Power Supply (UPS) keeps things running when the power fails. Can you send a UPS via FedEx? |
| If your nose runs and your feet smell, are you built upside-down? |
