Some years ago Bob Newhart released a comedy album entitled "The Button Down Mind of Bob Newhart". It featured some rather funny routines.
My boss was going to give me a Blackberry. Instead, he gave me the Raspberry. |
| Stop the NIMBYs! |
| If you are going to a costume party can you dress up as a nudist? |
| The pessimist says, "I don't think I can do it."
The optimist says, "I know I cannot do it." |
| Perhaps it is wise that the International Olympic Committee has not entertained the idea of a new winter sport: The equestrian luge. |
| I gave my son a box of miniture jeeps but I am not sure that he liked them. He told his brother that I gave him a case of the Willys. |
| Inserting a catheter into a sleeping male lion is not a good formula for a long life. |
| The food is always greener on the other side of the fridge. |
| Answering the phone at a fast food restaurant in Laurel, MD: Thank you for calling the Laurel Hardees. |
| Answering the phone at store #234 of a large chain near an army post: Thank you for calling Pizza Hut - two - three - four. |
| As they say in the Army: Horp minus hreep is hut. |
| You know it is going to be a bad evening when you discover, too late, that the cat barfed in your CPAP mask. |
| Can cat lovers bark their shins? Do they meow them instead? |
| Would you call a group of men who castrate bulls a steering committee? |
| The Bible declares homosexuality to be an abomination unto the Lord. It says the same thing about the eating of shellfish. So, if a homosexual eats shellfish is it two abominations or just one big one? |
| I have known several women who lost 30-40 pounds in just a few minutes with the Lamaze diet. |
| Can a gay comedian have a straight man? |
| Nursing mothers should make great orators because they are so good at expressing themselves. |
| I once tried to teach someone everything I know but he did not have five minutes to spare. |
| The Post Office now sells a "Forever" stamp that is guaranteed to be good for first class postage even if the rates rise. I thought it meant that the mail would take forever to get there. |
| The Government says that my employer must accommodate my religious beliefs whenever possible. I hereby declare myself to be an Orthodox Seventh-Day Sunni Jehovah's Latter-Day Bahá'í Baptist. Since I cannot work on my Sabbaths, or the eves prior to them, that counts me out for most of the week. I'll be available on alternate Mondays for a few hours if you need me. |
| Our laughing seamstress just hems and haws. |
| If you have three weeks of icy weather, that is normal. But when you have one warm winter day, that is global warming. That is not bad for a gradual process that supposedly took half a century to notice. |
| If you believe in reincarnation you should go get a life. Several of them. |
| The store shelves were picked cleaner than your bank account after a lawyer got done with it. |
| I am doing my part to Save the Planet. I have plenty of it my closets and a lot more of it in my basement. Maybe it's time for a yard sale? |
| Yes, that seat does have my name on it. My name is "Samsonite". |
| If you like heavy metal, buy a steam locomotive. |
| As the psychiatrist said, "For every action there is an equal and interesting reaction." |
| My living will is posted plainly on the steering column of my car: Do Not Resuscitate - Plant. |
| Put a slice of Jewish egg bread into a glass with coconut milk and rum for a delicious Challah piña colada. |
If you read Shakespeare and then recite poetry, you are going from Bard to Verse.
If you have a modem that lets you surf or talk, you can go from Baud to Voice.
If you clamp a warped piece of metal to straighten it, you are going from Bowed to Vice.
If we keep this up we will be yelled at and hit with a flower holder, going from Booed to Vase. |
| They were casting for a new movie about classical musicians. Chevy Chase said, "I'll be Beethoven". Steve Martin said, "I'll be Chopin". Arnold Schwartzenegger said, "I'll be Bach." |
| Our somewhat limited communications device is called "Hunchback". It is a quasi-modem. |
| An open mouth does not hear very well. |
| Dock tried by jury of its piers. |
| Save the crows! Everyone needs a caws. |
| Traffic was backed up so badly that the enema truck could not even get through. |
| The file server at Mad Magazine reported a failure due to a Parody error. |
| Everybody and his brother is into nepotism and cronyism. |
| It's your fault that I'm blame-shifting. |
| If you would like a nice warm, fuzzy feeling just check out some of the things inside my fridge. |
| Take advantage of our "Janet Jackson Special". All brassieres half off. |
| Our new blog is entitled, "Keeping Abreast with Janet Jackson". |
| Complex problems usually have simple solutions. Unfortunately, it can take weeks to find the simple solution. |
| I found a great new Website. It's behind our furnace. |
| Ethical dilemma: If your refrigerator's ice maker churns out crescents of ice, can you still call them ice cubes? |
| If you run over your son with a steam roller does that make you an heir compressor? |
| Can you go window shopping online using a Macintosh computer? |
| If a school of small fish suddenly stops swimming, is that called minnow pause? |
| If two marijuana plants are paying their taxes, can they file a joint return? |
| Some people are like an owl with a speech impediment. They just don't give a hoot. |
| If a bunch of TV technicians in Afghanistan overthrows the government, is that a Kabul cable cabal? |
| Is "The Electric Slide" a subway train on icy rails? |
| If Riki Tiki Tavi loses his job, is he covered by COBRA insurance? |
| Someone gave me some horrible tasting candy. It was flat and stretchy and sticky and covered with fur. I think it was Riki Tiki Taffy. |
| The sign at Eatzi's Market and Bakery says "Food for the taking." Can you be arrested for shoplifting there? |
| If the game really is "Final Fantasy", why do they keep releasing new versions of it? |
| If an aerodrome is where airplanes take off and land, what is a hippodrome? |
| If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? |
| Is a short guy who works in the subway a Metro Gnome? |
| If humans have nightmares, what do horses have? |
| What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free? |
| Did you hear about the Kodak streaker? He was arrested for being over-exposed and under-developed. |
| A Palindrome is a word or sentence that reads the same forward or backwards. How come "Palindrome" isn't a palindrome? |
| What do you call male ballerinas? |
| Why do lemon flavored drinks contain mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons? |
| If you pine for someone when you miss them, when you REALLY miss them do you oak for them? |
| If women get goose bumps do men get gander bumps? |
| Do children get gosling bumps? |
| Is a baby octopus called an octokitten? |
| Does a mother platypus have platykittens? |
| If you have nightmares at night do you have day mares during the day? |
| If men have nightmares do women have night stallions? |
| Could a package of vegetables be appropriately labeled "Caution: Squash. Do not crush"? |
| The hardware store sells hot water heaters. So, who needs to heat hot water? |
| When you cook a coconut in the microwave, do you cook it as long as you would cook a watermelon? |
| What do you get when you cross a chicken with a streetcar? Ding-ding, cluck-cluck, and a mess all over the track. |
| If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what is a humanitarian? An egalitarian? |
| Is a quarterback a refund? |
| An Uninterruptible Power Supply (UPS) keeps things running when the power fails. Can you send a UPS via FedEx? |
| If your nose runs and your feet smell, are you built upside-down? |
