| If you want to know what a mother's brain is like, picture a laptop computer with 5,471 tabs open, all the time. |
| Losing weight has not been working for me so now I need to concentrate on becoming taller. |
| With so many things coming back in style, I can't wait until morals and brains become trendy again. |
My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home. |
| If you can't hire a lawyer who knows the law, hire a lawyer who knows the judge. |
| If the world was flat cats would have pushed everything off it by now. |
| You don't know the meaning of "Hard Work" until you spend a summer bailing hay. |
| At any given time, the urge to sing, "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away. |
| Don't be ashamed of who you are. That is your parents' job. |
| I may be schizophrenic but at least I have each other. |
| Two cows are grazing in a field. One cow says to the other, "Did you ever worry about that mad cow disease?". The other cow replies, "Why would I care? I'm a helicopter." |
| Some people think it's romantic to carve their names on trees in the park while on a date.. I'm more worried about why they're bringing a knife on their date. |
| I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car. |
| It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally. |
| Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other, "I need you to help me get to the other side!" The other guy replies, "You are on the other side!" |
| People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but people in Abu Dhabi do. |
| A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch. The bartender says "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line." The guy looks around, but there is no punch line |
| I've been told I'm condescending. (that means I talk down to people.) |
| Communism jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets them. |
| I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo. |
| I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 250 bobs. |
| I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters. It's shift work. |
| My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. I said "40." |
| What do we want? Low flying airplane noises! When do we want them? NNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWW! |
| And God said to John, "Come forth and you shall be granted eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster. |
My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange?"I said: "no it doesn't." |
| A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair. |
| I poured root beer in a square glass. Now I just have beer. |
| I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said "Thanks" I said "Don't mention it." |
| Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong." |
| I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day. |
| If you took all of the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die. |
| No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. |
| It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it. |
| If you ever feel you are worthless remember that you are full of expensive organs. |
| Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone. |
| Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you want to meet him soon. |
| When in doubt, drink more coffee. |
| I had a healthy salad for dinner last night. Well, mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really, is was just one large, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. It had cheese. OK, it was a pizza. |
If you think you are too small to make a difference, you haven't spent the night with a mosquito. |
| The Doctor gave old man Shamus 6 months to live. Shamus, being on a lowly fixed income, could not &pay the bill so the Doctor gave him another 6 months. |
| I have an eating disorder. I am about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of chicken nuggets. |
| Kleptomaniacs take everything, literally. |
| Someone stole a bread truck. I guess they kneaded a getaway vehicle. |
| Brexit could be followed by Grexit, Departugal, Italeave, Czechout, Outstria, Finish, Slovakout, Latervia, and Byegium. Only Remania will stay. |
| Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish. The results speak for themselves. |
| The rotation of the earth really makes my day. |
| My wife left me because I would not stop telling basketball puns. It's OK, though. I'm on the rebound. |
| When my friends told me to stop imitating a flamingo I had to put my foot down. |
| The first time I bought a universal remote I thought, "This changes everything". |
| I, for one, like Roman numerals. |
| I recently sold my vacuum cleaner. It was just gathering dust. |
| Russian dolls are full of themselves. |
| The wedding was so emotional that the cake was in tiers. |
| The boat store had a big paddle sale. It was quite an oar deal. |
| A veterinarian with laryngitis is a hoarse doctor. |
| I used to suffer from a soap addiction but I'm clean now. |
| I might take that job cleaning mirrors. It's something I can see myself doing. |
| The broom is an invention that has swept the nation. |
| Parachute for sale. No strings attached. |
| Never trust a palindrome. They always go back on their word. |
| A five foot tall psychic escaped from jail. The "Wanted" posters said, "Small medium at large". |
| 6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down. |
| A farmer invested $10 million of his own money for research on "Effects of marijuana on cattle". The steaks were high. |
| A doctor implanted six plastic horses into his patient's body. His condition is listed as stable. |
| Conjunctivitis.Com - A site for sore eyes. |
How to fall down stairs: Step 1. Step 6. Steps 7, 8, 9, and 11.... |
| Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it. |
| When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye. |
| The Kodak streaker was over-exposed and under-developed. |
| He had a photographic memory which was never developed. |
| The "Internet of Things" is definitely not safe! I recently bought an IP enabled meat cleaver. It was hacked. |
| Does seven days without meat make one weak? |
| The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense. |
| If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler. |
| Ban shredded cheese. Make America grate again. |
| The first five days after a weekend are the hardest. |
| On a dented display sign: Thanks for making our sign a hit. |
| Cure for an obsession: Get another one. |
| Between two evils I always pick the one I have not tried. |
| If pride comes before a fall, humility should come by winter. |
| Hold the door open for a clown. It's a nice jester. |
| I went to the Air and Space Museum but there was nothing there. |
| Customer:"I would like a cup of coffee please. No cream. The waitress replies, "I'm sorry sir, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?" |
| A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean a martini?" asks the bartender. The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double I would have asked for it." |
| A Higgs Boson walks into a church. The priest says "We don't allow Higgs Bosons in here." The Higgs Boson replied, "Well, without me, you can't have mass." |
| A programmer's wife asks him to pick up a loaf of bread and, if they have eggs, to get a dozen. The programmer comes home with a dozen loaves of bread. That is very logical thinking. |
| Why do engineers mix up Christmas and Halloween? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25. |
| Pavlov is at a bar enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he shouts "Oh no! I forgot to feed the dog." |
| Never stand between a big dog and a fire hydrant. |
| Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time consuming. |
| Shoe repair: I will heel you. I will save your sole. I will even dye for you. |
| So, what if I don’t know what “apocalypse” means. It’s not the end of the world. |
| I have a phobia about German sausage. I fear the wurst. |
| Hyphenated. Non-hyphenated. Oh, how ironic. |
| People who do not use punctuation deserve a long sentence. |
| I couldn't’ make reservations at the library. They were completely booked. |
| I'm selling my Theremin. I haven't touched it in years. |
| People are such babies, especially at first. |
| A million rabbits walking backwards could be called a receding hareline. |
| The shovel was a ground breaking invention. |
| I dreamed about drowning in an ocean of orange soda last night. It was just a Fanta sea. |
| The worst part about an ancient history class is that the teachers tend to Babylon. |
| Someone said my clothes were gay. That is because they came out of the closet this morning. |
| You're never too old to learn something stupid. |
| To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. |
| War does not determine who is right, only who is left. |
| If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. |
| Be good to our planet. It's the only one in the universe that has crab cakes. |
| A basement full of complainers is a whine cellar. |
| From an ad promoting safe sex: “Somewhere in America a teenager gives birth every 45 minutes.” Oh, that poor girl must be tired! |
| The archaeologist was so depressed one day. He exclaimed, "My entire career is in ruins." |
| Our IT department is called The House of Ill Compute. |
| He is such a slow reader that by the time he finishes a murder mystery it does not matter who committed the crime because the statute of limitations has run out. |
| I am going through my second childhood right now. It's my fourth time through. |
| An absent-minded professor returned from lunch, saw a sign on his door reading, "Back in 30 minutes", so he sat down to wait for himself. |
| When I withdrew my life savings the bank teller asked, "How would you like that? Heads or tails?" |
| September is that time of year when millions of shining, happy faces turn slowly toward school. They belong to parents. |
| Spelling is a lossed art. |
No matter how much you push the envelope, it remain stationery. |
| Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, mis-diagnosing it, and then applying the wrong remedies. |
| Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating. |
| Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super rad if you don’t know what either of those things are. |
| The sinking of the Titanic must have been a miracle to the lobsters in the kitchen. |
| April Fools Day is the one day of the year that people critically evaluate news articles before accepting them as true. |
| Maybe 'Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?' isn't a show that displays how stupid grown adults can be. Instead, it depicts how much useless information we teach grade schoolers that won't be retained or applicable later in life. |
| "Go to bed, you'll feel better in the morning" is the human version of "Did you turn it off and turn it back on again?" |
| Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you. |
| The person who would proof read Hitler's speeches was literally a grammar Nazi. |
| Stealing someone else's coffee is called "Mugging". |
| The other day I held the door open for a clown. It was a nice jester. |
| The inventor of the "Knock-Knock" joke should get the No-Bell prize. |
| I put my grandma on speed dial. I call that "Insta-Gram". |
| A "Mamogram" is a singing telegram delivered by a very polite young man. |
| I have a wonderful step ladder. It's been in my family for 50 years. I love my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder. |
| Someone once told me I had lost my mind. I just laughed at them because I really did not have much to lose. |
| Insomnia is nothing to lose sleep over. |
| The surest way to save face is to keep the lower part shut. |
| Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. |
| You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. |
| These days cell phones are a status symbol everyone has clipped onto their belt or their purse. I cannot afford one so I am wearing my garage door opener. |
| Did you ever notice that when you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs'? |
| The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. |
| The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends. |
| Birds of a feather flock together and then poop on your car. |
| I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve. |
| There is a new body building fitness movie for older folks. It is called, "Pumping Rust". |
| When people get older they still have a lot on the ball. They are just afraid to bounce it. |
| Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult. They had no one else to talk about. |
| Tomcat: Baby, I'd die for you. Tomcat's girl friend: Really? How many lives? |
| The weather bureau is taking no chances. Their latest prediction is "slightly cloudy with possible drifts up to three feet". |
| An officer came to my house and asked where I was between 5 and 6. I replied, "Kindergarten." |
| They call it a family tree because if you look long enough you will always find some sap in it. |
| My dog thinks he really is man's best friend. He keeps trying to borrow money from me. |
| At an exorbitantly priced restaurant the diner asks the waiter, "What is the catch of the day"? The waiter replies, "Monsieur, you are". |
| I met the #1 laxative salesman in the country the other day. He is just a regular guy. |
| I thought I wanted a career. Turns out, I just wanted pay checks. |
| In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put "DOCTOR |
| Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. |
| I'm supposed to respect my elders, but now it's getting harder and harder for me to find one. |
| When you see lovers' names carved in a tree you have to wonder why they were carrying knives of a date. |
| In wine there is wisdom. In beer there is strength. In water there is bacteria. You decide. |
| October 15th is International Grouch Day. Like we care. |
| Helpful Tip: If you set your clocks back TWO hours tonight, you'll get even more sleep. |
| We have what it takes, to take what you have. -- The IRS. |
| The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. |
| Diversified portfolio: Your money goes down the drain in six different sinks. |
| I was sitting in a room with several other people when my leg went to sleep. I wasn't embarrassed until it started snoring. |
| To be old and wise you must first be young and stupid. |
| Tomorrow: A mystical land where 99% of all human productivity, motivation, and achievement is stored. |
| A recent study shows that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it. |
| I told my children, "I don't ever want to live in a vegetative state, dependent upon some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." So they unplugged the television and threw out my wine. |
| My mechanic couldn't repair my brakes so he made the horn louder. |
| If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. |
| I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. |
| I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates. |
| Sign on a tile store: Just say "no" to rugs. |
| The main difference between a cat and a comma: One has claws at the end of its paws, and one is a pause at the end of a clause. |
| The pessimist sees a long, dark tunnel. The optimist sees light at the end. The realist sees the light coming closer. The train conductor just sees three idiots on the rails. Courtesy of Chris Dort |
| Push will get you almost everywhere in life, except through a door marked "Pull". |
| How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce “unionized.” |
| What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question? |
| Pavlov is sitting at a bar when all of the sudden the phone rings. Pavlov gasps, “Oh no. I forgot to feed the dogs.” |
| Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now. |
| A photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies, “No, I’m traveling light.” |
| Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. |
| Better days are coming. They are called "Saturday" and "Sunday". From AccuLynx.Com. |
| I just got in touch with my inner self. Remind me never to buy single ply bathroom tissue from the dollar store again. |
| The Government requires employers to permit their employees to observe their religious holidays and their sabbath. I have informed my manager that I am a Reformed Orthodox 7th Day Sunni Latter Day Jehovah's Baptist of the Scottish Rite, and that I will be available for work on alternate Thursdays. |
| News headline: "Man in boxers leads police on brief chase". Maybe he was on a winning streak. |
| An employee had a password of "MIckeyMinniePlutoHueyDeweyLouieDonaldGoofySacramento" because the company policy was that all passwords must be at least eight characters and include at least one capital. |
| My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3 a can. That's almost $21 in dog money. |
| A printer consists of three main parts: The case, the jammed paper tray, and the blinking red light. |
| His car was able to stop on a dime which, unfortunately, was in the pocket of a pedestrian at the time. |
| Cats are composed of iron, lithium, and neon: FeLiNe. |
| To thrive in life you need three bones: A wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone. Reba McEntire |
| Common sense is a flower that does not grow in everybody's garden. |
| When I came home I found my note on the door that said, "Back in 30 minutes". So I sat and waited for myself to return. |
| The good thing about being a pessimist is that you are always either pleasantly surprised or proven right. |
| Venison for dinner again? Oh deer! |
| A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy. |
| I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. |
| They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O. |
| I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now. |
| I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time. |
| Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations. |
| I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx. |
| Bakers are in business because they knead the dough. |
| Velcro - What a rip-off! |
| Don't be stupid. We have politicians for that. |
| I never wanted to believe my father was stealing from his job as a road worker but when I came home, all the signs were there. |
| September is when millions of shining, happy faces turn toward school. They belong to parents. |
| I have two worries: One is that we may never get back to "the good old days." The other is that these might be them. |
| Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is a different story. |
| Five out of four people don't understand jokes about fractions. |
| Never trust atoms. They make up everything. |
| It is said that swimming can keep you trim and fit. So please explain whales. |
| Chocolate comes from cocoa, which comes out of a tree. That makes it a plant. Therefore, chocolate counts as a salad. |
What do we want? TIME TRAVEL!
When do we want it? IT'S IRRELEVANT! |
| If one door closes and another one opens, your house may be haunted. |
| I do my best proofreading right after I have hit the "Send" button. |
| We all have that one friend who is always there. When they need something. |
| The Grand Canyon is a magical place that exists between my ideas and me actually acting upon them. |
| There is nothing like burning 1800 calories all at once, especially if it is because you forgot the pizza in the oven and you are now fifty miles from home. |
| You only get one chance to make a first impression, unless they have Alzheimer's. |
| Today I coordinated with a friend of mine in Japan to make something awesome. We both placed a slice of bread on the ground and made an Earth sandwich. |
| If you really think the environment is less important than the economy, try holding your breath while you count your money. |
| Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. |
| In wine, wisdom. In beer, strength. In water, bacteria. Irish saying |
| Then there was the fellow who went on a safari and never returned. Something he disagreed with ate him. |
| I would never belong to a club that would have me as a member. Groucho Marx |
| I don't usually let my cat on the keyboard, but when I do slk@!@Q#908asdfluwe. |
| I'm up to almost an hour a day on the treadmill. Next week I think I'll turn it on. |
| If you have OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and ADD (attention deficit disorder), you want everything to be perfect, but only for a few minutes. |
| I had a dream last night that I couldn't go to sleep. Ed Foskey |
| I had trouble sleeping last night. I started counting sheep. 12 were missing. Ed Foskey |
| Rolling out of bed in the morning is easy. Getting up off the floor is another matter, though. |
| I don't know when the UFO landed and dumped off all of these stupid people but apparently they are not coming back for them. |
| When a person cries and the first drop of tears come from the right eye, if is from happiness. When the first drop is from the left eye, it is from pain. If you cry from both eyes at the same time, you probably stepped on a Lego. |
| Eight vowels, 11 consonants, an exclamation mark, and a comma appeared in court today. They are due to be sentenced next week. |
| If you look like the picture on your driver's license, you probably should not be driving. |
| Wouldn't it be ironic to die in the living room? |
| If you want a stable relationship, get a horse. |
| Dear Algebra: Please stop asking us to find your "X". She's never coming back, and don't ask "Y". |
| Broken pencils are pointless. |
| When you get a bladder infection urine trouble. |
| A dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary is a thesaurus. |
| How do you make Holy Water? You boil the hell out of it. |
| I did not like my beard at first but then it grew on me. |
| Our class took a trip to a soda bottling plant. I hope there is no pop quiz. |
| PMS jokes are not funny. Period. |
| A dyslexic man walked into a bra... |
| I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. |
| The girl said she recognized me from the Vegetarian Club, but I'd never seen herbivore. |
| I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me. |
| How does Moses make his beer? Hebrews it. |
| Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. |
| When chemists die, they barium. |
| I tried to catch some fog. I mist. |
| A man dreamed he was eating a huge marshmallow. When he woke up his pillow was gone. |
| Whatever you do always give 100%, unless you are donating blood. |
| If you put dry tea bags in your shoes they will absorb the odor. Your shoes will smell good but the tea tastes so bad it is almost not worth it. |
| Hearty laughter is a good way to jog internally without having to go outdoors. Fortune Cookie. |
| A great pleasure in life is doing what others say you can't. Fortune Cookie |
| Miracle cure kills 5th patient. Newspaper headline. |
| Rally against apathy draws small crowd. Newspaper headline. |
| Man accused of killing lawyer receives a new attorney. Newspaper headline. |
| Study shows frequent sex enhances pregnancy chances. Newspaper headline. |
| City unsure why sewer smells. Newspaper headline. |
| Bridges help people cross rivers. Newspaper headline. |
| Homicide victims rarely talk to police. Newspaper headline. |
| Princess Diana was still alive hours before she died. Newspaper headline. |
| Federal agents raid gun shop, find weapons. Newspaper headline. |
| Study shows that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25. Newspaper headline. |
| Alcohol and calculus do not mix. Never drink and derive. |
| There is no "snooze" button on a cat that wants breakfast. |
| Who is this "Moderation" people keep telling me to drink with? |
| I try to take life one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me all at once. |
| Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person three or four times. Rowland |
| Where there's a will, there are relatives. |
| Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. |
| Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. |
| To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. |
| You are never too old to learn something stupid. |
| I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. |
| There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. |
| Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. |
| You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. |
| A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory. |
| Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. |
| Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. |
| I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. |
| I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted a paycheck. |
| Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station. |
| They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't. |
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. |
| We never really grow up. We only learn how to act in public. |
| If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. |
| The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. |
| An aardvark once attacked my sister. It was horrible. She had to have therapy when she heard I was having kids, completely petrified to become an aunt. Jean-Pierre Joubert |
Stop complaining. Half the people don't care about your troubles and the other half are glad you finally got what was coming to you. |
| Sometimes I question my sanity. Sometimes it replies. |
| Good moms let you lick the beaters. Great moms turn off the mixer first. |
| When I was young I was afraid of the dark. Now, when I see my electric bill, I am afraid of the lights. |
| A happy marriage is like living in California. If you find a fault, try not to dwell on it. MikeysFunnies.Com. |
| I found an upholstery shop that uses formerly inebriated workers. They are all recovering alcoholics. Bob Morrisson |
| The reason politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed. |
| Congressmen should wear uniforms like NASCAR drivers do. This would let us identify their corporate sponsors. |
| A politician is like a banana. He is green when he arrives. Then he turns yellow. Then he becomes rotten. |
| Xerox and Wurlitzer announced that they will merge
to produce reproductive organs. |
| Red meat is not bad for you.
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you. |
| A Fool and his money can throw one heck of a party. |
| You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. |
| It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame. |
| There is a band called "1023 Megabytes". They never seem to get a gig. |
| Atoms are what make us matter. |
| Sign posted by the Newcastle Tramway Authority: Touching wires causes instant death. $200 fine. |
| Science fact: Liquids take the shape of their container while maintaining a constant volume. So, cats must be liquid. |
| Science fact: There is a species of antelope that can jump higher than the average house. This is due to the antelope's powerful hind legs, and the fact that the average house cannot jump. |
| If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. |
Q. Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip?
A. To get to the same side. |
| If Iron Man and Silver Surfer team up, they would be alloys. |
| Want to freak out your neighbors? Name your Wi-Fi "FBI Surveillance Van". |
| You can tell a lot about a person's mood just by their hands. For instance, if they are holding a gun, they are probably angry. |
| My bed wasn't feeling very well this morning so I stayed home to take care of it. |
| There is a person out there for everyone. Your person may happen to be five cats... |
| There are over 7 trillion nerves in the human body. Some people are capable of getting on every last one of them! |
| The way to get to the top is to get off your bottom. |
| Astronaut computer users hang out at the space bar. |
| My wife wanted me to take her somewhere expensive last night. I took her to the gas station. |
| When comforting a grammar fanatic I always say softly, "There, they're, their". |
| There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair and eating Cheetos. I hope they let me back into Wal-Mart. |
| We are living in an era of smart phones and stupid people. |
| A woman is like GPS. The both tell you what to do every 30 feet. |
| I always take life with a grain of salt ... plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila. |
| They call me "Blister" because I show up after the work is done. |
| Did you hear about the all-woman's musical group named DSL? It's a broad band. Bob Morrisson. |
| Every time you make a typo the errorists win. |
| The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. Albert Einstein |
The worst thing about censorship is *******. |
| Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? |
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. |
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes. |
| I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching my car into reverse and driving away from the accident. |
| When people suck the life out of you, wouldn't it be nice if they took some fat, too? |
| Sometimes life's a bitch. Sometimes it has puppies. |
All the toilets in the city's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on. |
| Seen on the back of a horse trailer: "Don't be what you are looking at." |
| If A equals success, then the formula is A equals X plus Y and Z, with X being work, Y play, and Z keeping your mouth shut. |
| I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down. |
| Never play leap frog with a unicorn. |
| Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it. |
| No, I didn't lose my mind. It got scared and ran away. |
| Please don't interrupt me when I'm talking to myself. |
| The biggest lie I tell myself is, "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it". |
| My train of thought derailed. There were no survivors. |
| Dear Life: I have a complete grasp on the fact that you are not fair so please stop teaching me that lesson. |
| The thing about smart people is that they seem like crazy people to dumb people. |
| Every time I hear the dirty word "Exercise" I wash my mouth out with chocolate. |
| If we were meant to pop out of bed we would all sleep in toasters. |
| You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and when what doesn't hurt doesn't work. |
| T-shirt on a baby: I'm what happened in Vegas. |
| Unicorns are real. They are just fat and gray and we call them rhinos. |
| My room is not messy. It is an obstacle course designed to keep me fit. |
| Irony: The opposite of wrinkly. |
| Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon. |
| Wine does not make you fat. It makes you lean (against tables, floors, walls, and ugly people). |
| The brain is the most outstanding organ. It works 24 hours a day, 365 days a year from birth until you fall in love. |
| I dream of a world where chickens can cross the road and not have their motives questioned. |
| I'm not sure if life is passing me by or trying to run me over. |
| Summer is that time of year when parents realize just how underpaid teachers are. |
| The main purpose for a child's middle name is so they can tell when they are really in trouble. |
| Can I get "Caller ID" for the voices in my head? |
| I don't trip. I do random gravity checks. |
| I could be a morning person, if morning happened around noon. |
Some minds are like concrete -all mixed up and permanently set. |
| This printer is now called "Bob Marley" because it is constantly jamming. |
| While you were busy judging others, you left your closet open and your skeletons fell out. |
| Dog: The only creature on earth who loves you more than himself. |
| Why men should not take phone messages: Someone from the Gyna Colleges called. They said, "The Pabst Beer is fine." I thought you didn't like beer. |
| Facebook is like a fridge. You know there is nothing new inside but you check it out every ten minutes. |
| Ask me about my attention disorder or pie or my cat. A dog. I have a bike. Do you like TV? I saw a rock. Hi. |
| If only closed minds came with closed mouths. |
| Calories: Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little tighter every night. |
| In case of fire: Please exit the building before tweeting about it. |
| Don't break someone's heart. They only have one. Break their bones. They have 206 of them. |
| I did not fall. The floor just needed a hug. |
| Old people at weddings always poke me and say, "You're next". So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. |
| Every day thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians. Help end the violence! |
| A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a drink. The bartender replies, "For you, no charge". |
| Mark Twain once said: "“If you don't read the newspaper, you're
uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're misinformed.” |
| From an ad promoting safe sex: “Somewhere in America a teenager gives birth every 45 minutes.” Oh, that poor girl must be tired! Bob Morrisson |
| Not everyone can be the Queen. Some of you have to sit on the curb and wave as I go by. |
| I am not bossy. I just know what you should be doing. |
| Feet: A device used for finding Legos in the dark. |
| Good moms let you lick the beaters. Great moms turn them off first. |
| Facebook is the new Hotel California. You can log out any time you want but you can never leave. |
| I was chasing my dreams but I tripped over reality and busted my head. |
One-seventh of your life is spent on Mondays. One-eighth, if you are a Beatle. Bob Morrisson |
| Worry is the darkroom where negatives are developed. |
| I have a Rolls Canardley. It rolls down one hill and canardley make it up the next one. John Tunney |
| I wondered why the car was getting bigger, and then it hit me. |
| Never do anything you would not want to explain to the paramedics. |
| Some mistakes are much too fun to make only once. |
| Deja Moo: The feeling that I've heard this bull before. |
| Artificial intelligence is no match for real stupidity. |
| A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. |
| There is no "I" in "Team". There are, however, 4 I's in "Platitude Quoting Idiot". |
| Unattended children will be given Espresso and a free kitten. |
| If you fall, I'll be there. - Floor |
| We don't always get to choose who walks into our lives, but we can choose which window we throw them out of. |
When she told me I was average she was just being mean. |
| Everybody and his brother is into nepotism and all of my friends are into cronyism. |
Time wounds all heels. |
Schizophrenics have more fun. Both of them. |
| Welcome to the National Psychic Association. Please think of a number for faster service. |
"Welcome to the network restaurant. My name is Novell and I'll be your server..." |
Aks me abuout lysdexia. |
| Lysdexics of the world, UNTIE! |
| The dyslexic atheist didn't believe in dog.
The dyslexic existentialist asked, "What is dog?" |
| The agnostic dyslexic insomniac lay awake all night pondering the existence of a dog. |
Put the saddle on the stove, Mabel We'll ride the range together. |
| Oh give me a home where the buffalo roam, and I'll show you a smelly old house. |
| She was a printer's daughter and definitely not my type. |
| He put a resistor on the stove. It was ohm, ohm, on the range. |
| A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption. |
| No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. |
| A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. |
| Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. |
| A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. |
| A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.' |
| The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. |
| When cannibals ate a missionary they got a taste of religion. |
| A vulture boards an airplane carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger." |
| Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!' |
| Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. |
| She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. |
| Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says: 'Are you sure'. The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.' |
| A Buddhist refused Novocain during a root canal. His goal was to transcend dental medication. |
| A man sent ten puns to friends with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did. |
| I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. |
The trouble with quotes on the Internet is that you can never know if they are genuine. Abraham Lincoln < g >
After conducting a search of the Internet we have determined that the prior quote is not attributable to Abraham Lincoln. It is attributed to Thomas Jefferson. < g >
|
| Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling? Ed Foskey |
| Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time. |
| Then there is the kleptomaniac who, whenever he gets in trouble, he takes something for it.Tom Jarboe |
| Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here; I'll go on a head." Doug Balch |
| The man on top of the mountain didn't fall there. |
| The trouble with borrowing money from China is that a half hour later you are broke again. Steve Bridges |
| You're not finished learning until you're dead. |
| Any philosophy that can fit into a nutshell probably belongs there. |
| A hospital bed is like a parked taxi with the meter running. |
| Two signs, badly placed: Restrooms to the Right. Please wait for hostess to seat you. |
| The only time a woman wants to be one year older is when she is expecting a baby. |
| Research shows that 20% of Americans share a bed with a pet. Another 20% sleep on the floor in a basket, while the pets have the bed to themselves. |
| There's no place like http://www.home.com. |
| Where you have seas you have pirates. |
| If you have a ladder first and then a farmer later, the ladder is the former and the farmer is the latter. |
| I don’t need anger management; you just need to stop bugging me. |
| Yard sales are fascinating. People spend $20 on gas, driving air conditioned cars around, to stand in the the sun, and to argue about getting a $4 lamp for $3.25. |
| A cruise is when you go for days and days and see nothing but food. |
| Bulls don't win bull fights. People do. People don't win people fights. Lawyers do. |
| Being a frog is not so bad. Whenever something bugs you, you just eat it. |
| Cat laws: If you are not receiving enough attention, try knocking over several expensive antique lamps. |
| Here it is in the middle of January and we are still cleaning up from Christmas. Last week we cleaned out our checking account. This week we are cleaning out our savings account. |
| Air travel is hours of boredom punctuated by a few brief moments of terror. |
| The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. With a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig. |
| The autumn leaves are a lot like raising kids. First they turn on you. Then they fly away. The next thing you know, you look out the window and they are back. |
| No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating just one peanut. |
| Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance. |
| Spring Break is when the nation's college kids demonstrate to the world how much they have learned. |
| Trying to look confident in the presence of a skunk will not help. |
| Freedom of press means no-iron clothes. |
I love my square bath tub. It eliminates the ring. |
| Most new books are forgotten within a year, especially by those who borrow them. |
| Afternoon: That part of the day where we worry about how we wasted time in the morning. |
| Biology is the only science where multiplication means the same as division. |
| It is strange how skating on thin ice can get you into hot water. |
| No sense being pessimistic. It probably won't work anyway. |
| Never go to bed mad. Stay up and plot your revenge. |
| A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not why we build ships. |
| Sudoku Anonymous has a 9 step program. They give you some of the steps but you have to figure out the others. |
| A schizophrenic does the Hokey Pokey: You put your left self in, you put your left self out. |
| Hokey Pokey Anonymous: A place to turn yourself around. Mental Floss |
| Silence is golden but duct tape is silver. |
| If you must burn our flag, please wrap yourself in it first. Maxine |
| The trouble with bucket seats is that not every body has the same size bucket. |
| Do you realize that in about forty years we will have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos and pierced navels? |
| I understand that being nude can make you smarter. So can being a yogi (yoga instructor). The degree of smartness derived from each practice is cumulative. This means that yogi bare is smarter than the average bare. Bob Morrisson |
| If Dorothy were to encounter men with no brain, no heart, and no courage today, she wouldn't be in Oz, she'd be in Congress. Bari Gayle Smith |
| It is really not a good idea to swat a fly with a hammer, when the fly is sitting on a plate glass window. The Smith Family, many decades ago. |
| The Law of Relativity: A man can sit on a hot stove for a minute and it feels like an hour. Another man can sit on a park bench and talk to a pretty girl for an hour but it only feels like a minute. |
| Over 25% of human genes are the same as those of a banana. Get over yourself! From a t-shirt worn by Frank Johnson. |
| A friend will stop you from over-reacting. A good friend will walk beside you giggling, "Someone is gonna get it!" |
| Inserting a catheter into a sleeping male lion is not a good formula for a long life. Bob Morrisson |
| If you are feeling a little useless, offended, or depressed, just remember that you were once the fastest and most victorious little sperm out of millions. |
| I did NOT hit you. I simply high-fived your face. |
| Never break wind in a wet suit. |
| We will be friends until we are old and senile. Then we'll be new friends. |
| Never kiss a tobacco chewer with a walrus mustache. Bob Morrisson |
| God must have a sense of humor. Don't believe me? Go to Wal-Mart and just look at people. |
| To reduce your carbon footprint, have Santa remove his boots before he walks across your carpet. Bob Morrisson |
| Dogs have so many friends because they wag their tails, not their tongues. |
| The Deep Fat Friars -- A contemplative order of obese monks. |
| I tried cow tipping once but I didn't know what percentage to give her. Bob Morrisson |
| Vampires are type O personalities. Bob Morrisson |
| Cheerleaders don't win ball games. |
| You should only floss the teeth you want to keep. |
| Love is learning the song in another's heart and singing it back to them when they have forgotten. |
| Beer makes you feel like you should feel without the beer. Bob Hipsley |
| Can a conservative person get a liberal arts degree? Bob Morrisson |
| A man teetered and tottered into a local Wachovia Bank office. He said he just wanted to check his balance. Bob Hipsley |
| The new "Forever" postage stamp is appropriately named. That's how long it takes for your letter to get there. Bob Morrisson |
| Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word? |
| Give me ambiguity or give me something else. |
| Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control. |
| Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. |
| I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. |
| All men are idiots, and I married their King. |
| Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. |
| Where there's a will, I want to be in it. |
| Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it. |
| I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. |
| Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. |
| Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students. |
| Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. |
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. |
| Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. |
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
|
| Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill. |
Keep honking - I'm reloading |
| Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy. |
| I am either thinking outside the box or the box is getting bigger. |
| hang a question mark on the things you take for granted. |
| Cats are like potato chips. It is not right to have just one. |
| Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads. |
| For God so loved the world that he did not send a committee. |
Read the Bible - It will scare the hell out of you. |
| Don't be so open minded your brains fall out. |
| God does not believe in atheists, therefore, atheists do not exist. |
| If you don't think every day is a good day, just try missing one. Cavett Robert |
| War is God's way of teaching Americans geography. Ambrose Bierce |
| Golf is the game that has turned the cows out of the pasture and let the bull in. |
| A veterinarian who was also a taxidermist had a sign on his office door reading,"Either Way, You Get Your Dog Back." |
| As they say in the Army: Horp minus hreep is hut. Bob Morrisson |
| Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all of the birds have gone south for the winter. |
| Dancing with the feet is one thing, but dancing with the heart is another. |
| I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope it had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded." |
| For Christmas I got a toy subway train. You can't see anything but every now and then there is this rumbling beneath you. |
| I was trying to daydream but my mind kept wandering. |
| There was a power outage at a department store and 20 people were trapped on the escalators. |
| Toot if you like beans. |
| I was sad because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?" |
| My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. |
| Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth that said, "Wish you were here." |
| I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. |
| If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. |
| My socks DO match. They're the same thickness. |
| Officer, I know I was going faster than 55 miles per hour but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour. |
| Try to imagine a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. |
| I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. |
| I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. |
| Then there is this museum where they have all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. |
| It's a small world but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. |
| A lot of people are afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths. |
| I have had amnesia once or twice. |
| I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar. |
| I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone and they went "Aaaaahhhh..." |
| The sun never sets on the British Empire but it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded. |
| I saw a sign that said "Pet Store" so I did. Then I saw a sign that said "Compact Cars"... |
| A boy scout slipped on the ice and hurt his ankle. A little old lady had to help him across the street. |
| Smoking cures weight problems...eventually. |
| A man told a chicken to cross the road. The chicken said, "What for?" |
| I xeroxed my watch. Not only do I have time to spare, I can give away free watches. |
| I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine. |
| The owner of an all-electric house left the porch light on. When he got home the front door wouldn't open. |
| There aren't enough days in the weekend. |
| The sky is not falling. You are tipping over backwards. |
| It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows. |
| I asked a chicken why it was crossing the road. It told me it was none of my business. |
| In school every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence. |
| If you are a speed reader trying to read the Reader's Digest on microfilm, by the time you have the machine set up you will be done. |
| When I went to San Francisco I found someone's heart. |
| The guy who writes all those bumper stickers hates New York. |
| I had my coat hangers spayed. |
| I washed a sock and put it in the dryer. When I took it out it was gone. |
| The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather and moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. |
| At the Déjà Vu Cafe everybody knows who you are. |
| It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there and confuse the hunters. |
| The bank had a sign that said "24 Hour Banking". Sometimes it feels like that when you are waiting in line. |
| At the Ouija Board Buffet the tables comes to you. |
| Don't let your sleep learning language record get stuck. The next morning you could be stuttering in a foreign tongue. |
| There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. |
| Instant water: Just add hot coffee. |
| We cannot direct the winds but we can adjust our sails. |
Never chase a dog into a dead-end alley. |
| Don't worry: The answer is at the back of the book. |
| "Vegetarian" - An old American Indian word that translates roughly as "He is a poor hunter". |
| Life's too short to drink beer you can see through. Kerry Perkins |
| Buying quality is a lot like buying oats. Nice fresh clean oats command a pretty fair price,
while oats that have been through the horse already are considerably less expensive. |
| Have you found anything missing? Victor Borge |
| I can't stand sitting. Victor Borge |
| Press any key to continue, and any other key not to continue. Stephen Morse |
| Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. |
| Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. |
| One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk
about other people. |
| Two things are infinite: The universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the universe. Albert Einstein |
| Life is too short and friends are too few. |
| Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends. |
| I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on. |
| The trouble with life is there's no background music. |
| Ham and eggs is a day's work for a chicken but a lifetime commitment for a pig. |
| A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory. |
| He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead. |
| I have a degree in Liberal Arts. Do you want fries with that? |
| Procrastinate now! |
| Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up. |
| Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it! |
| Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? |
| The gene pool could use a little chlorine. |
| Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America 's shelves with a new soup to honor many of our distinguished Members of Congress. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water. |
| Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada. |
| The American Indians found out what happens when you don't control immigration. |
| With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure
this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance? Jay Leno |
Don't ever chew your finger nails if you have the hiccups.
-- Floyd Young, explaining why the tips of two fingers were missing (it was a printing press accident). |
| People who live in glass houses should change clothes in the basement. |
| A man who stands on a toilet is probably high on pot. |
| A man who drives like hell is bound to get there. |
| War does not determine who is right, only who is left. |
| A man who eats many prunes will get a good run for his money. |
| A man with only one chopstick will go hungry. |
| A man who runs behind a car is likely to get exhausted. |
| A man who runs in front of a car is likely to get tired. |
| He had a photographic memory that was never developed. |
| He broke into song because he couldn't find the key. |
| A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulting in Linoleum Blownapart. |
| A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail. |
| If you take a laptop computer for a run, you could jog your memory. |
| The dead batteries were given out free of charge. |
| The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground. |
| The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it. |
| When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, UCLA. |
| We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply. |
| Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking. |
| A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal. |
| When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate. |
| To write with a broken pencil is pointless. |
| The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. |
| Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. |
| Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. |
| I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. |
| If you get the sudden urge to run around naked try drinking Windex. It will keep you from streaking. Bruce Ricker |
| What do you call a reindeer without any eyes? No eye deer. |
| When Santa works in the garden he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe. |
| Then there was the man who was convicted of shoplifting a calendar at Christmas.
He got 12 months |
| Turkeys must be wiser than chickens. After all, who ever heard of Kentucky Fried Turkey? |
| If there had been three Wise Women they would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and given practical gifts. |
| Don't eat Christmas decorations because you might get tinselitis. |
| The main difference between Santa and a warm dog: Santa wears a whole suit, the dog just pants. |
| Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter. |
| One nice thing about egotists: They don`t talk about other people. |
| I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. |
| Seen on a t-shirt worn by a rather overweight man: I beat anorexia. |
| It is never too late to become the person you wish you were. |
| I would kill for a Nobel peace prize. |
| If you think there is some good in everybody, then you have not met everybody. |
| Bad grammar makes me [sic]. |
| It's all fun and games until the ambulance arrives. |
| If a man speaks in the woods and there is no woman there to hear, is he still wrong? |
| Never worry about what other people think. Most of them don't do it very often. |
| If you feel good on Monday you probably didn't have enough fun on the weekend. |
| Break like the wind. |
| Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for ye are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. |
| In my opinion, we don't devote nearly nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks. |
| If you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day. But if you teach a man to fish, he will buy an ugly hat. And if you talk about fish to a starving man, then you're a consultant. Dogbert |
| There are three types of people in the world: Those who can count and those who cannot. |
| There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary and those who do not. |
| I know it sounds like I'm in denial but I'm not. |
| Nothing is worse than being alone on the evening of the day when one's cow has exploded. |
| They put pictures of missing children on milk cartons. Perhaps they should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. |
| I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway. |
| I needed a status symbol and could not afford a cell phone so I'm wearing my garage door opener. |
| The employment application blank asks who is to be notified in case of an emergency. How about "A Good Doctor." |
| It is not cheating. It is learning from a mistake you never made. |
| Ever get the feeling that your stuff strutted off without you? |
| Christmas is just plain weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks? |
| Did you even notice how the people who tell you to calm down are the ones who got you mad in the first place? |
| Life isn't like a box of chocolates, it's more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today might burn you in the end tomorrow. |
| A number of terrorists have come here legally but they hung around for years on expired visas. Now compare that to Blockbuster: If you are two days late with a video they are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of Immigration. |
| I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen." |
| In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. |
| Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days, no one talks about seeing UFO's like they used to. |
| Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner." |
| If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you. |
| Every teenager should get a high school education, even if they already know everything. |
| How is it one careless match can start a forest fire but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? |
| Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. |
| Some people are like Slinkies. They are not really good for anything but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. |
| Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in a hospital dying of nothing. |
| Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. |
| Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. |
| No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning. |
| There are three religious truths: a) Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah; b) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith; and, c) Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters |
| These days I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after! |
| There are a number of things which can increase a woman's desire for a man. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." |
| Forget "youth". How about a fountain of "smart"? |
| Operator: Trace this call and tell me who I am. |
| Beauty is only skin deep but ugly goes all the way through. Beetle Bailey |
| Bad new travels like wildfire but good new travels slowly. |
| My kid got your honor roll student pregnant. |
| Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch. |
| Boldly going nowhere. |
| Body by Nautilus. Brain by Mattel. |
| I haven't lost my mind. It's backed up on disk somewhere. |
| If at first you don't succeed, blame someone else and then seek counseling. |
| This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me. |
| If we quit voting, will they all go away? |
| The face is familiar but I can't quite remember my name. |
| Where are we going and why am I in this hand basket? |
| May the Wombat of Happiness snuffle through your underbrush. - Ancient Aborigine blessing |
| I see, said the blind carpenter, and he picked up his hammer and saw. |
| If your candy is chewy, hairy, and foul smelling, it may be Riki Tiki Taffy. Bob Morrisson |
| "Circular reference" - see: "Reference, circular". Bob Morrisson |
| I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. |
| Death is hereditary. |
| If you can't convince them, confuse them. |
| Chocolate: the OTHER major food group. |
| Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface. |
| As the man with the lisp said, "I think, therefore I drown". |
| They told me not to use my dog's name for a password. I solved the problem. I named my dog f%sp&EcwZ=!1j#kIsP(q$w. I just pronounce it "Fido". Thanks to NateHoy for this one! |
| Beware of a sinister government plot: They fluoridated the water in Cleveland in 1895 and not ONE of those people is alive today! |
| In order to see the rainbow you must first endure some rain. |
| I always give 100% at work: 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, and 5% on Friday. |
| A waist is a terrible thing to mind. |
| If your nose runs and your feet smell, brother you're built upside down. |
| Thank God I'm an atheist. |
| If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money can't buy. |
| Today is a gift. That's why it is called the present. |
| All too often the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the butt seem to be permanent. |
| There is a fine line between genius and insanity. |
| We are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities. |
| Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. |
| Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. |
| It takes years to build up trust. It only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it. |
| WARNING: The crumsumpten of alcahol may Mack you tink you can tipe real gode. |
| Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. |
If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the medicine bottle: Take two aspirin. Keep away from children.
|
| The circus fired the human cannonball. They couldn't find a man of his caliber to replace him. |
| Its horrible. I love it. What is it? |
I'm so hip I can't see above my own pelvis. |
| There are nicer things in life than money but they won't go out with you if you don't have any. |
| The best way to ensure you will not succeed is not to try. |
| They said her face was her fortune because it runs into a tidy little figure. |
| He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. |
| What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.) |
| Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. |
| A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. |
| A hangover is the wrath of grapes. |
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. |
| Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. |
| A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. |
| You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. |
| After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before. |
| A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt. |
| Everyone is someone else's weirdo. |
| On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. |
| Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again. |
| Accept that some days you are the pigeon and most days the statue. |
| Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. |
| Have an awesome day and know that someone who thinks you're great has thought about you today! |
| A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. |
| We could learn a lot from crayons: Some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all exist very nicely in the same box. |
| Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened. |
| Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. |
| You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person. |
| If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet? |
| Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us. |
| Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them? |
| Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open. |
| How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. |
| If you can read this I can slam on my brakes and sue you. |
| I used to have a handle on life but it broke off. |
| They told me not to quit my day job. I'm a night watchman. Bob Morrisson |
| I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. |
| My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said. |
| Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. |
| If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor! |
| Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. |
| The more stuff you put up with the more stuff you are likely to get. |
| Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience. |
| Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. |
| Tomorrow I am going to stop procrastinating. |
The best known file compression utility for Windows: Deltree \*.* /s; for Unix: rm /* -R.
(If you don't know what these mean then do NOT try them!!!) |
| What is an editor? Well, to make a long story short... |
| No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid. |
| I try not to let my mind wander. It's small and I don't like to let it out alone. |
| Sometimes I have to check the label inside my shirt to see who I am. Let me have a look now: Warm Wash Tumble Dry. |
| Remember that while money talks, chocolate sings. |
| Life is a journey, not a guided tour. |
| The police arrested the Energizer Bunny and charged him with battery. |
| I have the Energizer flu. You just keep going, and going, and going.... Bob Morrisson |
| Someone murdered Snap, Crackle, and Pop. It must have been one of those cereal killers. |
| They arrested the celery and charged him with stalking. |
| A man fell into an upholstery machine and was injured but now he is fully recovered. |
| The carrot was in a terrible accident. The doctor said he will be a vegetable the rest of his life. |
| It's hard to be humble when you're as great as I am. |
| I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down. No problem. Fred Fosnaught |
| I know you think you understood what I said, but what you heard was not what I meant. |
| I'm not cynical. Just experienced. |
| It's not that you and I are so clever, but that the others are such fools. |
| Those of you who think they know everything are very annoying to those of us who do. |
| I don't know. I don't care. And it doesn't make any difference. |
| Join the Army: Travel to exotic distant lands; meet exciting, unusual people and kill them. |
| Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day. |
| You have a right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear them. |
| Unfortunately, an easily understood, workable falsehood is easier to manage than a complex, incomprehensible truth. |
| On a child's T-Shirt: My human experience is just beginning. |
| Drink wet cement: Get Stoned. |
| The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action. |
| Don't think of organ donations as giving up part of yourself to keep a total stranger alive. It's really a total stranger giving up almost all of themselves to keep part of you alive. |
| You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word. |
| Bureaucrats do not change the course of the ship of state. They merely adjust the compass. |
| A day without fusion is like a day without sunshine. |
| Perfect paranoia is perfect awareness. |
| Why be difficult when with a bit of effort you can be impossible? |
| I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent. |
| Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma. |
| Love your enemies. It'll make 'em crazy. |
| Love means telling you why you're sorry. |
| I want to live forever or die in the attempt. |
| The future isn't what it used to be. |
| Work fascinates me. I could sit and watch it for hours. |
| Yesterday was the deadline on all complaints. |
| I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost. |
| Death is the greatest kick of all. That's why they save it for last. |
| You can't fall off the floor. |
| He who laughs last didn't get the joke. |
| I'm really enjoying not talking to you, so let's not talk again real soon, OK? |
| It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys. |
| He who laughs last has not been told the terrible truth. |
| In the country of the blind the one eyed man is king. |
| Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. |
| There's nothing more restful than taking orders from fools. |
| I'm not going deaf. I'm ignoring you. |
| Only those who attempt the absurd can achieve the impossible. |
| To err is human. To forgive is unusual. |
| When in charge, ponder. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate. |
| Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer. |
| I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in? |
| I'm not as dumb as you look. |
| The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made. |
| We should forgive our enemies, but only after they've been taken out and shot. |
| Power means not having to respond. |
| There is intelligent life on Earth, but I'm just visiting. |
| How much sin can I get away with and still go to heaven? |
| We are the people our parents warned us about. |
| Time flies when you don't know what you're doing. |
| Sex is a disrobic experience. |
| Reality is a crutch for people who can't face drugs. |
| Money can't buy happiness but it can certainly rent it for a couple of hours. |
| Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you. |
| I'd rather have Lockheed deliver the mail than ride around in a plane built by the post office. |
| What's good for Ugoose is good for Uganda. |
| Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. |
| Shut your mouth and eat your supper! |
| If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate! |
| I don't do drugs anymore. I get the same effect just standing up fast. |
| I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" |
| Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. |
| It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. |
| If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws. |
| Practice safe eating - Always use condiments. |
| I plan on living forever. So far, so good. |
| I am a nutritional overachiever. |
| Dijon vu - The same mustard as before. |
| In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday. |
| There will always be death and taxes, however, death doesn't get worse every year. |
| An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true. |
| Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. |
| Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. |
| Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. |
| Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. |
| Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic. |
| Time may be a great healer but it is a lousy beautician. |
| I am in shape. Round is a shape. |
| Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand. |
| Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have dinner with. |
| Your nose is the scenter of your face. |
If, instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure? |
| Don't force it. Just get a bigger hammer. |
| It has been so dry this week the trees are whistling for the dogs. |
| Farmers are real experts who are often out in their fields. |
| The police arrested the Energy Bunny They charged him with battery. |
| If you cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy you get a rash of good luck. |
| The nice thing about snow is that it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's. |
| The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. |
| Hard work doesn't harm anyone but I do not want to take any chances. |
| After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done. |
| Chemicals are noxious substances from which modern foods are made. |
| When opportunity knocks, some people complain about the noise. |
| Don't let your mouth write checks the rest of you can't cash. |
| Promote bacteria. They are the only culture some people have. |
| Why do people always continue after saying: "It goes without saying..."? |
| The Bible says that your body is a temple of the Lord. Some of us must be building pretty big temples. |
| No man is an island. That's because if you don't stop eating so much you will become a continent. |
| It's OK to talk to yourself. Just don't argue with yourself and if you do, don't lose the argument. Bob Morrisson |
If it's true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings. |
| Sometimes life is a bucket of manure, with the handle on the inside. |
| The gift of gab - With some people it just keeps on giving and giving and giving.... |
| Bakers are in business because they knead the dough. |
| The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work. |
| A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired. |
| Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. |
| A backwards poet writes inverse. |
| In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. |
| She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off. |
| A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. |
| If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed. |
| With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. |
| Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor. Bob Morrisson |
| When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. |
| Ice makes walking musical: C sharp or you'll B Flat. Bob Morrisson |
| The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. |
Some coal furnaces are hand stoked with a shovel. Some have an electrically powered screw that delivers the coal to stoke the furnace. It's a case of different stokes for different folks. Bob Morrisson |
| You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. |
| Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. |
| Every calendar's days are numbered. |
| A lot of money is tainted. It 'taint yours and it 'taint mine. |
| A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. |
| As one person who didn't want to believe the numbers once said - figures don't lie but liars figure. |
| A plateau is a high form of flattery. |
| The midget fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. |
| Excellent psychics are hard find. They are a rare medium well done. |
| Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. |
| Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. |
| Television is called a medium because it is rarely well done. |
| When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye. |
| Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. |
| Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. |
| Acupuncture is a jab well done. |
| Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat. |
| Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. |
| First rule of gossip: If at first you don't succeed, pry, pry again. |
| It is said that God numbers all the hairs on our head. Some of us must be trying to save God a lot of work. |
| Customers are like teeth. Ignore them and they will go away. |
| Aliens: The other green meat. |
| New book: The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables. |
| Fight Crime: Shoot Back!! |
| If you can read this, please flip me back over. [Seen Upside Down On A Jeep] |
| I do whatever my rice krispies tell me to. |
| The things that come to those who wait are usually the things left over by those who got there first. |
| I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person. |
| Cover me. I'm changing lanes |
| Forget about World Peace. Visualize using your turn signal ! |
| He who laughs last thinks slowest. |
| Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. |
| A day without sunshine is like, well, night. |
| On the `, you have different fingers. |
| Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. |
| I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. |
| When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. |
| Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. |
| Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. |
| You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. |
| I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. |
| Honk if you love peace and quiet. |
| Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. |
| I love cats...they taste just like chicken. |
| Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. |
| I souport publik edekasion. |
| Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. |
| It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living. |
| Just remember - If the world didn't suck we would all fall off. |
The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. |
It is said that if you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them. |
| The person who pursues the things only money can buy soon loses the things money cannot buy. |
| The latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population. |
| A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. |
| It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats. |
| Everybody lies but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. |
| I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few. |
| I started out with nothing and I still have most of it. |
| Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. |
| Time flies like an arrow but fruit flies like a banana. |
| Try to imagine a world without hypothetical situations. |
| You may soar with eagles but weasels never get sucked into jet engines. |
| The early bird gets the worm but the 2nd mouse gets the cheese. |
| Save the whales. Collect the whole set. |
| 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. |
| 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. |
| Remember, half the people you know are below average. |
| Atheism is a non-prophet organization. |
| Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. |
| Today is the tomorrow you dreamed of yesterday. Jerry Strong |
| I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. |
| I intend to live forever. So far so good. |
| Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back. |
| If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? |
| Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. |
| Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. |
| The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. |
| 2 + 2 = 5 for sufficiently large values of 2. |
| When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way. |
| If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. |
| A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. |
| Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. |
| For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism. |
| Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. |
| Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. |
| No one is listening until you make a mistake. |
| Success always occurs in private and failure in full view. |
| The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it. |
| The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread. |
| The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it. |
| To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. |
| To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. |
| Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. |
| You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. |
| Two wrongs are only the beginning. |
| The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. |
| The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up. |
| A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. |
| Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow. |
| Always try to be modest and be proud of it! |
| If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. |
| How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand. |
| Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener. |
| Love is blind but like is just too freaked out to see straight. |
| If at first you don't succeed then sky diving isn't for you. |
| Buy my new book - 12 Ways to Avoid Legalism. |
| By my new book for only $10. It's called A Fool and His Money are Soon Parted. |
| I would be a Prestyberian if I could spell it. From Paul Harvey |
| Written upside down - If you can read this please turn my car over. |
| My lawyer can beat up your lawyer. |
| If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now. |
| I finally got my head together. Now my body is falling apart. |
| Every time I find out where it's at, they move it. |
| Funny, I don't remember being absent minded. |
| All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair. |
| It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. |
| If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished. |
| If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop digging. |
| I tried to get a life once, but they were out of stock. |
| I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through... |
| It was all so different before everything changed. |
| Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant. |
| Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident. |
| A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle. |
| Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids. |
| If you drink, don't drive. If you drive, don't park. Remember, accidents cause people. |
| It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end. |
| It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. |
| Living on Earth is expensive but it does include a free trip around the sun. |
| The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. |
| Never knock on Death's door. Ring the doorbell and run (he hates that). |
| Lead me not into temptation. I can find the way myself. |
| Thought for today: Try not to think about it. |
| When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping. |
| A watched microwave never beeps. |
| You're kibitzing wrong! |
| Roses are red. Violets are azure. C12H22O11 (sugar) is sweet as you, I can assure. |
| Roses are red, violets are blue. I'm schizophrenic, and so am I. |
Here lie the remains of William Doe. With us he is no more. For what he thought was H2O was H2SO4 (sulfuric acid). |
| We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. |
| Laughing stock - Cattle with a sense of humor. |
| If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. |
| Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries. |
| Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark. |
| As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. |
| When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray! |
| When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. |
| Insanity is my only means of relaxation. |
| The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes. |
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does. |
| Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. |
| Sometimes I think I understand everything. Then I regain consciousness. |
| If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seatbelt. |
| There are two kinds of pedestrians - The quick and the dead. |
| If God had wanted me to brush my teeth He would have put bristles on my tongue. |
| An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. |
| A closed mouth gathers no feet. |
| Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. |
| It's not hard to meet expenses. They are everywhere. |
| Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney. |
| The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. |
| I look in the mirror and there is this old person staring back at me. Who is that person? |
| Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional. |
| Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls. If thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee. |
| Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control. |
| There are two kinds of computer users: Those who have had a hard disk failure and those who will. |
| On a clear disk you can seek forever! |
Crisis management principle: Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. |
| Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back. |
| Negotiation principle: Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly. |
| If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. |
| If you get to thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around. |
| A good horse never comes in a bad color. |
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut. |
| Never kick a cow chip on a hot day. |
| There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works. |
Don't worry about biting off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger than you think. |
| Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco. |
| It doesn't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep. |
| Always drink upstream from the herd. |
| When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a man, don't be surprised if he learns his lesson. |
| When you're throwing your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else. |
Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but you might need to know what it was. |
| The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket. |
| Never miss a good chance to shut up. |
| I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes. |
| Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way! |
| If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat. |
| There are three kinds of men: Those that learn by reading, the few who learn by observation, and the rest of them that have to pee on the electric fence for themselves. |
| If you can read this I've lost my trailer. |
| The Earth Is full - go home. |
| I have the body of a god - Buddha. |
| This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me. |
| Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. |
| Let me show you how the guards used to do it. |
| I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert. |
| I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years. |
| My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely. |
| Every time I think about exercise, I lie down until the thought goes away. |
God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever. |
| I finally got my head together and my body fell apart. |
| There cannot be a crisis this week. My schedule is already full. |
| The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does. |
The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat are really good friends. |
| I just bought a new vacuum cleaner. It sucks. That's because it doesn't suck. |
| Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult. |
| The face is familiar but I can't quite remember my name. |
| Eat right, exercise, die anyway. |
| Illiterate? Write for help. |
| Honk if anything falls off. |
| He who hesitates is not only lost but miles from the next exit. |
| Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. |
| It's been lovely but I have to scream now. |
| An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing. |
| Remember folks: Stop lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph. |
| If walking is so good for you then why does my mailman look like Jabba the Hut? |
| A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. Mark Twain |
| An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today. |
| A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant. |
| A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand. |
| A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief." |
| A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room. |
| A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. |
| A schoolteacher is a disillusioned person who used to think they liked children. |
| A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time. |
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to Hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. |
| Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!" |
| Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive. |
| Don't be sexist - Broads hate that. |
| Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window. |
| If you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly. |
| A computer, in the hands of an idiot, produces idiocy but with nicer fonts. Bob Morrisson |
| Saw it... Wanted it... Had a fit... Got it! |
| Did you hear about the man who drowned when he fell into a vat of whiskey. They cremated him. He burned for three weeks. |
| Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill. |
| Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor): That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, or subtracted from the answer you got, gives you the answer you should have gotten. |
| You know you're in trouble when you wake up face down on the pavement. |
You know you're in trouble when you turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city. |
| You know you're in trouble when your twin sister forgot your birthday. |
| It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. -- Miss Manners. |
| An oxymoron is something that seems to contradict itself. For example: Jumbo Shrimp and Government Intelligence. |
| An "oxymoron" is a Latin term for someone who isn't terribly swift and who smells like an ox. |
| The theory of relativity: All things are relative. |
| Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. |
| Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is mystery. Do it today. |
| They told me I was gullible and I believed them. |
| Life is like an onion: You peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep. |
| Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether. |
| I spent the night in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter. |
| Success leaves clues. |
It is well documented that for every mile you jog, you add 1 minute to your life. This enables you at 95 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month. |
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where she is. |
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks and have NOT lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up. |
| I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. |
| I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes he would have put them further up our body. |
| I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. |
| I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. |
| The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. |
| If you are going to try cross-county skiing, start with a small country. |
| I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my cocktail glass. |
| The preacher on TV said to put my hands on the parts that afflict me the most and he would pray. So I put my hands on my television set. Shoe |
| Taco Bell is not the Mexican phone company. |
| Union fish only work for scale. |
| Money Isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids In touch. |
| What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull. |
| To operate a shovel, one must be smarter than the shovel. |
| His face was flushed but his broad shoulders saved him. |
| Mouse Potato: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. |
| Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles. |
| Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running. |
| College is a fountain of knowledge - and the students are there to drink. |
| Déjà Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before. |
| He who dies with the most toys is, nonetheless, still dead. |
| A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform. |
| One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs. |
| The meek shall inherit the Earth - they are too weak to refuse it. |
| The meek shall inherit the Earth - if that's OK with you. |
| The meek shall inherit the Earth after we're done with it. |
| I can't complain but sometimes I still do. |
| Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3 - not even for very large values of 2. |
| Diplomacy is the art of staring down a wolf and saying "nice doggy" until you can find a large rock. |
| There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We do not believe this to be a coincidence. |
| Character density is the number of very weird people in the office. |
| This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. |
| To err is human; to moo, bovine. |
| Sign on a vending machine: This machine is out of whack. (We have ordered more whack). |
| If you go to the airport and see a sign that says"Airport Left," don't turn around and go home. |
| Meow Mix is not a CD for cats. |
| Live your life so as if your parrot were going to be sold to the town gossip after you die. |
| Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked. |
| As the hot, wet fertilizer salesman said to his customer, "It's a dung deal". |
| I Brake For No Apparent Reason. |
| LOVE: Two vowels, two consonants, two fools. |
| Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. |
| Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. |
| i souport publik edekasion; |
| If some people spoke their mind they would be speechless. |
| Radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives. |
| Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. |
| If you lend someone $20 only to never hear from them again, it was probably worth it |
| The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire. |
| Always remember that, just like everyone else, you are unique. |
| It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. |
| If you think nobody cares if you are alive, try missing a car payment. |
| Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will drink beer in a boat all day. |
| Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life |
| I found a new Web site the other day. It's in the basement, right behind the furnace. |
| Some days you are the bug, other days, the windshield. |
| Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. |
| Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. |
| Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep. |
| Your kid may be an honor student but you are still an idiot. |
| It is as bad as you think and they are out to get you. |
| Sometimes the American Justice System make marginally less sense than a random word generator. |
| Linux is like a wigwam: No windows, no gates and an Apache inside. |
| If I can be of any help you are in worse trouble than I thought. |
| A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. |
| Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane. |
| Two wrongs don't make a right but three rights make a left. |
| The mind is like a parachute. It works much better when it's open. |
| Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway. |
| Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself. |
| You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck. |
| "To do is to be" (Socrates). "To be is to do" (Plato). "Do be do be do" (Sinatra) |
| It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbors newspaper, that's the time to do it. |
| Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. |
| Never test the depth of the water with both feet. |
| It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a bad example to everyone around you. |
| Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes. |
| If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. |
| Don't squat when wearing cowboy boots with spurs on. |
| If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. |
| The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket. |
| Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. |
| A closed mouth gathers no foot. |
| Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together. |
| The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. |
| Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving. |
| Never miss a good chance to shut up. |
| He who puts his armor on should not boast like one who takes his off. |
| Fear can hold you prisoner. Hope can set you free. |
People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. |
The hard part for us avant-garde post-modern artists is deciding whether of not to embrace commercialism. |
| My internal clock is on Tokyo time. I live in the US. |
| Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. |
| The trouble with life isn't that there is no answer, it's that there are so many answers. |
| If you drop your keys in molten lava, forget them because man, they're gone! |
| Despite high the cost of living it has remained popular. |
| Did you hear about the rap daycare center? It's called Boyz II Men. |
| The difference between a drunk and an alcoholic is that drunks don't have to attend all those boring meetings. |
| When filling out a job application, under "education" do not put "Hooked On Phonics." |
| If ignorance is bliss I must work with some of the most blissful people in the world. Bob Morrisson |
| A joke begins, "Three men walked into a building." You'd think at least one of them would have seen it. |
| "This is the Claustrophobia Clinic. If you need an appointment we can squeeze you in." |
| "This is the Incontinence Clinic. Please hold..." |
| Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law, and it's not subject to repeal. |
Good judgment comes from . Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment. |
I dreamed I died and went to Heaven. God sneezed and I didn't know what to say. Michael Morrisson |
| The day before yesterday I got to bed yesterday. Yesterday I got to bed today. Tonight it looks as if I am going to be getting to bed tomorrow.Andy Capp |
| Families are like fudge: Mostly sweet, with a few nuts. |
| The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep. |
| Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. |
| One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. |
| Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due. |
| The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere - and let the air out of their tires. |
| The sign said "Just say 'no' to crack" so I hiked up my jeans. |
| Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. |
| Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy. |
| If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts. |
| Murphy's Law - Whatever can go wrong will go wrong. |
| Salesman's Law - Whatever can go wrong will go wrong during the demonstration. |
| Bally's Law - Wherever two or three are gathered they will be at the same end of the row of lockers jockeying for space to change clothes. Bob Morrisson. |
| Cole's Law - Chopped cabbage and carrots with mayonnaise. |
| Two wrongs is only the begging. |
| Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. |
| Every solution breeds new problems. |
| If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop. |
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. |
| It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious. |
| If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then. |
| For some people, the idea of a fun night is a six pack and a bug zapper. |
| A Buddhist who refuses Novocain during a root canal will transcend dental medication. |
| NASA spent thousands of dollars developing a pen that would work in space. The Russians took pencils |
| A group of chess enthusiasts bragging in the hotel lobby: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer. |
| I sent ten different puns to some friends in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. |
| Cancer cures smoking. |
| The trouble with going to Heaven is that you have to die first. |
| This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting. |
| Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after. |
| Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose. |
| Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet. |
| I work 45 hours a week to be this poor. |
| Ambivalent? Well, yes and no. |
| Chaos, panic and disorder ... my work here is done. |
| Never use hot wax to soothe enraged lobsters. |
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead. |
| Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. |
| Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single. |
| Money can't buy happiness, but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai. |
| Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? |
| The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket. |
| Hot dogs will lead to an increased tendency to yell, "Hey, battabattabattabatta!" |
| Eating large quantities of beans can lead to brief periods of levitation. |
| The only thing that wakes you up faster than coffee is spilled coffee |
| Chewing parsley after a meal may freshen your breath and certainly makes a lovely garnish for your teeth. |
| If you eat too much celery, you may become a stalker. |
| On May 5th, just off the coast of South America, a ship owned by the Hellman's company capsized, resulting in a terrible loss of life plus the loss of millions of dollars worth of food products. They call this incident "Sinko de Mayo". |
| I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in under ten minutes. Steven Wright. |
| I told my wife that I had a living will: I do not wish to be fed liquids from a bottle and hooked to a machine. So she turned off the TV and threw away the beer. Bob Hipsley |
| When God speaks, E. F. Hutton listens. |
| May the wind at your back not be the result of the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch. Irish saying? |
| I do not like work even when someone else does it. Mark Twain |
| Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. |
| Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for. |
| Fuel injection: The ultimate low carb diet. |
| Seen on a T-shirt: My drinking team has a dart problem. |
| I've gone to find myself. If I return before I get back, please keep me here. |
| If stupidity was a handicap, there would be a lot more people with really great parking spots. |
| When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. |
| Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red. |
| Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. |
| When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination. |
| Without geometry, life is pointless. |
| A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor. |
| A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter. |
| Sea captains don't like crew cuts. |
| Banning the bra was a big flop. |
| Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. |
| Corduroy pillows are making headlines. |
| A hangover is the wrath of grapes. |
| Marriage is the mourning after the knot before. |
| A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. |
| I used to be a lumberjack but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe. |
| I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded. |
| A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. |
| I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way. |
| Practice safe eating: always use condiments. |
| My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time. |
| A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative. |
| Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place an order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with 'em. |
| Then there was the magician who ran down the street and turned into a drug store. |
I brake for....AAHHHH! |
I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring and scream during the same. Skippy's List |
| If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it. Skippy's List |
| The difference between some elected officials and a bag of excrement is the bag. |
| I thought I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. Trouble is, I found I was in a well and I was looking at the backup lights of a manure truck. Rob Flannery. |
| A genealogist is someone who traces your family back as far as your money will go. |
| Chop Suey is like the cha-cha-cha. It is always better with a young chicken. |
| Ideas are like children. Yours are always the best. |
| Illegtima Non Carborundum - Don't let the bastards grind you down. |
| Avoid clichés like the plague. |
| Eschew obfuscation assiduously. |
| There's plenty of room for all of God's creatures, right next to the mashed potatoes. |
| The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed. |
| Women and cats will do as they please. Men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. |
| A true friend is someone who thinks you're a good egg even though they know you are slightly cracked. |
| You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. |
| Smile. It makes people wonder what you're up to! |
| Remember: Forest fires can prevent bears. |
| They call him "Slab" because he is a big hunk. |
| One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. |
| Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. |
| Live every day as if it were your last. Eventually you’ll be right. |
| The easiest way to find something that’s lost is to buy a replacement. |
| If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already. |
| Guns don't kill people - Husbands who come home early kill people. |
| Life will throw you a curve from time to time. Remember that saw blades are examples of curves; they just have teeth on them. |
| I sleep like a politician: First I lie on one side and then I lie on the other side. |
| DLT is a high density data recording tape that is cheap. I know some people like that: Cheap and dense. |
| Friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly. |
| Good friends are like stars. You don't always see them but you always know they are there. |
| If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. |
| If you would like to find the best seat in the house just move the cat. |
| Only God can forgive Bin Laden. It's our responsibility to arrange the meeting. From a United States Marine |
| Take care of your body. It's the only one you have. |
| A duck killed Julius Caesar. Beware the Eiders of March. |
| The duck wanted to buy a house. He had to give the bank the shirt off his back to make the down payment. |
| A two seater aircraft crashed in a cemetery. As of this evening they have recovered 726 bodies and more are expected to be found. |
| Some men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes and it's up to women to stomp on them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with. |
| I child-proofed my house but they still get in. |
| My reality check bounced. |
| Annapolis: A drinking town with a sailor problem. |
| I need somebody bad. Are you bad? |
Physically pffffft. |
| Buckle up. It makes it harder for the aliens to snatch you from your car. |
| I'm not a snob. I'm just better than you are. |
| It's my cat's world. I am just here to open cans. |
| Earth is the insane asylum of the universe. |
| Seen on a T shirt: Keep staring. I may do a trick. |
| We got rid of the kids. The cat was allergic. |
| Dangerously under-medicated. |
| My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it's gone. |
| Every time I hear the dirty word "Exercise" I wash my mouth out with chocolate. |
| Cats regard people as warm-blooded furniture. |
| In God we trust. All others we polygraph. |
