| How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool. |
| Why aren’t koalas actual bears? They don’t meet the koalafications |
Q. What is the difference between a dirty old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
A.
One is a crusty bus station the other one is a busty crustacean. |
| What is ET short for? He's only has little legs. |
| Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines. |
| Knock Knock. Who's There? Dishes. Dishes Who? Dishes a public service announcement... |
| What do the movies titanic and the sixth sense have in common. Icy dead people. |
| What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey. |
| Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well. |
| What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. |
| What do you call a dog that does magic tricks? A labracadabrador. |
| How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive west. |
| If I buy "Farenheit 451" as an e-book, do I dare view it on my Samsung Galaxy Note 7 phone? |
| What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question? |
Politician: Despite what the ethics committee has concluded, my conscience is clean.
Heckler: That is because you have never used it. |
| Did you ever notice that the Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL? |
Patient: Doctor, do you think oysters are healthy?
Doctor: I have never known one to complain. |
| Why do psychics have to ask you for your name. |
| OK, so what's the speed of dark? |
| Did you ever have the feeling that the maintenance light on your life was blinking? |
| If Cinderella's slipper fit perfectly, why did it fall off in the first place? |
Q. Why did the cowboy adopt a dachshund?
A. To get a long little doggie. |
| Dentists make their money from people with unhealthy teeth so why should I trust a toothbrush and toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend? |
Q. What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A. You get a dog that will bite your leg off and then run for help. |
Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the diaper quickly enough. |
Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from child birth?
A. Yes. Pregnancy. |
Q. I am two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college. |
Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough. |
| So, if you are paranoid and check behind your shower curtains for murderers, if you do find one what is your plan? |
Q. What do you get when you cross a chicken with a streetcar?
A. A mess all over the tracks. |
Q. What do you get when you cross a palm with a $1,000 bill?
A. You get charged with bribery.
A. A daily occurrence between Congressmen and lobbyists. |
| Why is it that "Palindrome" spelled backwards isn't "Palindrome?" |
| Is incest hereditary? |
| Do big noses run in your family? Bob Morrisson |
| Is the Electric Slide what a subway train does on icy track? Bob Morrisson |
When you go to one of those all‑you‑can‑eat places with an appetizer bar (help yourself), salad bar (help yourself), food bar (help yourself) and dessert bar (help yourself) why does the waiter expect a tip? |
| Why does your father clank? He's a chain smoker. |
| What is the difference between a cat and a comma? One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause. William Castronuovo |
| Why is it that lighting an outdoor grill always makes the wind blow? |
| Have you ever wondered why the same candy bar that will run a child's teeth is a wonderful source of quick energy for an adult? |
| What is the only thing that gets bigger the more you take away? A hole. |
| If a company gains control of a youth-centered hotel, is that a hostel takeover? Bob Morrisson |
| If you do take that free lunch that the Government offers, and if you get food poisoning from it, does the Government have to provide you with free medical coverage to treat it? Bob Morrisson |
Q. What does Mario use to contact the spirits?
A.
A Luigi board. Bob Morrisson |
| The "Race For The Cure" raises funds for breast cancer. There is a walk to raise funds for Crohn's disease research. When will they have a "Trot for Diarrhea"? Bob Morrisson |
| If they have a funeral procession at night, does everyone have to turn their headlights off? Bob Hipsley |
| Why does the ocean roar? You'd roar, too, if you had crabs on your bottom. |
| What is dogmatism? It's puppyism come to its full growth. |
| What do you get when you cross a porcupine with an alarm clock? A stickler for punctuality. |
| If you have a garage door opener, do you need to buy a separate garage door closer? |
| What happens if you put a Slinky on an up escalator? |
| Do tires ever get dizzy? |
| Why don't the drivers at the Indy 500 leave earlier so they don't have to drive so fast? |
| If you are copying records onto cassettes and you reverse the wires, can you accidentally erase the records? |
| If you park in a tow-away zone, do they remove just your car or the entire zone? |
| If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen? |
| If your dog's name is "Stay", how do you get him to come to you? |
| If your foot falls asleep all day, will it stay awake all night? |
| If you have a circular driveway, how do you get out? |
| Why do irons have a setting for *permanent*? |
| So, do you live around here often |
| Do you put doughnuts on doughbolts? |
| If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club? |
| If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare? |
| If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey? |
| Is "tired old cliche" one? |
| If you tell a joke in the forest and nobody laughs, was it a joke? |
| What are imitation rhinestones? |
| What's another word for Thesaurus? |
| If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? |
| If you melt dry ice, can you take a bath without getting wet? |
| If you wrap some gift-wrap, how do you know where the wrapping ends and the gift begins? |
| I put humidifier and a de-humidifier in the same room and let them fight it out. |
| Wanted: A cordless extension cord. |
| Wanted: A remote control remote control. |
| Never install a skylight in an apartment, unless you are on the top floor. |
| Then there was the artist who made synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. |
| What do you do if you plant bird seed and a bird comes up? |
| If you make a cake with white chocolate is it a white cake or a chocolate cake? |
| When a nudist plays strip poker loses, do they have to put something on? |
| If you can't afford bicycle riding lessons, will you save money learning to ride a unicycle? |
| If you put instant coffee in a microwave oven, will you go back in time? |
| If you shop at a general store, can you buy anything specific? |
| Can you have amnesia and déjà vu at the same time? |
| Under the kitchen table of a haunted house, will you find spirit gum? |
| If you fall asleep in a satellite dish, will your dreams show up on TVs all over the world? |
| The sky already fell. Now what? |
| How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb? |
| Would a Do-Wop singer get fired if he was heard going Sha-Na-Na? |
| If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry? |
| How is it possible to have a civil war? |
| Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? |
| Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" |
| If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? |
| The sign at the mall said "Ears pierced while you wait". Is there another option? |
| Why do those with closed minds always seem to have open mouths? |
| Why is it that when people see a cat litter box they say, "Oh, do you have a cat?" |
| Does a fortune teller consult the Seers' catalog? |
| If and when they name a street after Dr. Kevorkian, will it be a dead end? |
| Do you find one-legged waitresses at I-Hop? |
| If a Smurf pees on the lawn, is that what they call "Bluegrass"? |
| Do they bus the tables in a trolley diner? |
| Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome? |
| If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons? |
| At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the interstate highway to breed a country and western singer? |
Q. Are you ignorant or apathetic?
A. I don't know and I don't care. |
| Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date? |
| Is French kissing in France just called kissing? |
| How come when you open a can of evaporated milk it’s still there? |
| Why is there only one Monopolies commission? |
| Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead? |
| If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? |
| Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Gregory, and I am an alcoholic? |
| A sign on a building under construction advised that this was a joint venture. Is that something like a crack house? Jerry Shmerl |
| How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if the EPA were involved? |
| If you mix water and flour together you get glue. Then, if you add eggs and sugar you get cake. So, where does the glue go? Easy. That's what makes the cake stick to your butt. |
| If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as
the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the
"Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans? |
| Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00
apiece on those little bottles of Evian water?
Try spelling Evian backwards -- Naive. |
| Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? |
| Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if
it didn't zigzag? |
| If it's true that we are here to help others, then
what exactly are the others here for? |
| Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the
Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why
don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the
mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? |
| Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like
making a peeing section in a swimming pool? |
| When people read the
Bible a whole lot more as they get older, are they cramming for their final exam? |
| If American mothers feed their babies with
tiny little spoons and forks, do
Chinese mothers use toothpicks? |
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted,
musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed,
tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed. |
| "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the
English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest
sentence? |
| Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? |
| Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? |
| Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't
they just stale bread to begin with? |
| Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? |
| Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy
adultery? |
| Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a
whack? |
| If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea does that mean that one enjoys it? |
| If you are a nudist and the police show up, do they do a clothes search? |
| If all is not lost,
where is it? |
| If you play a blank tape at full volume, can the mime next door complain to the police? |
| If God helps those who help themselves, why are so many shoplifters
in jail? |
| What happens if you get scared half to death twice? |
| Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? |
| Did you hear about the dyslexic atheistic insomniac? He lay awake
all night pondering the existence of a Dog. |
| Why is white Zinfandel wine pink in color? |
| If a large airplane crashes into a huge trampoline and bounces
back up, is that a boing jet? |
| Wouldn't it be nice if, whenever we messed up our life, we could
simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? |
| Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? |
| Why does your doctor leave the room when you get undressed, only
to return and look at your naked body. |
| Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm
gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt." |
| Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think
I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?" |
| Why, when I signed up for an exercise class, did they tell me to
wear loose-fitting clothing? If I had any loose-fitting clothing,
I wouldn't have signed up in the first place! |
| Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school but they
can in prison? |
| Can you cry under water? |
| How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered? |
| If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? |
| Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round? |
| Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you
were buried in for eternity? |
| Why does a round pizza come in a square box? |
| What did cured ham actually have? |
| How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would
be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? |
| Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when
babies wake up like every two hours? |
| Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON television? |
| Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground? |
| How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty
for Miss America? |
| If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom do they call? |
| Why is it that every time I found out where it's at, they move it? |
| If you live in a country that uses metric measure, can you still
hold a yard sale? |
| Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion
stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there
is wet paint somewhere you have to touch it to make sure. |
| If infinity is forever is negative infinity never? |
| Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs? |
| Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? |
| Why do they report power outages on TV? |
| Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers
aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11? |
| When you're sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in? |
| When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder
why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting? |
| When people lose weight, where does it go? |
| What do sheep count when they can't sleep? |
| Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims? |
| Is it true that cannibals don't eat comedians because they taste
funny? |
| If you got into a taxi and the driver started going backwards, would
he owe you money? |
| Why don't the folks at the psychic hotlines call you first? |
| If an oriental person spins around a few times, does he become disoccidented? |
| Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
people don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom
is? |
| Is a coincidence that when you put 'THE' and 'IRS' together it forms
'THEIRS'? |
| Isn't it scary that the word "therapist" is the same as
the words "the" and "rapist" put together? |
| Why does the label on children’s Tylenol tell you not to operate
heavy machinery or vehicles? |
| Why is it when we ask for the check in a restaurant they bring us
a bill? |
| Are children who use sign language allowed to talk with their mouth
full? |
| Is the "Baby On Board" sign supposed to help us decide
which car not to hit in case of an accident? |
| Why do they call the small candy bars the "fun sizes"?
Wouldn't it be more fun to eat a big one? |
| How do you know which armrest is yours in the movie theaters? |
| Why does the sun lighten our hair but darken our skin? |
| Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? |
| Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips? |
| Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary? |
| Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? |
| Can fat people go skinny-dipping? |
| How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? |
| Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside? |
| Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors? |
| Does "anal retentive" have a hyphen? |
| Can a stupid person be a smart-alec? |
| Do fish get thirsty? |
| Do vegetarians eat animal crackers? |
| Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift? |
| Do steam rollers really roll steam? |
| How is it possible to run out of space? |
| How does a thermos know whether a drink should be hot or cold? |
| If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? |
| If time heals all wounds, how come bellybuttons don't fill in? |
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,
is it considered suicide or a hostage situation? |
| If you attempt to commit suicide and fail, can they charge you with
attempted murder and execute you? |
If the product says "Do not use if seal is broken" how
are you supposed to open it and use it? |
| If your car says Dodge on the front of it, do you really need a
horn? |
| If your car says Ford on the front, can you drive it through the
water? |
| Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers? |
| Since there is a speed of light and a speed of sound, is there a
speed of smell? |
| Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck? |
| If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you
listen then? |
| If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done? |
| If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too? |
| How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? |
| If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys
and apes? |
| Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone
will clean them? |
| Would a fly without wings be called a walk? |
| Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?" |
| If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? |
| Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't
going as ghosts but as mattresses? |
| Did you hear that they arrested the celery? They charged him with
stalking. |
| Is Dracula a Type O personality? |
| If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
remain silent? |
When a cop asks, "Your eyes are looking red, have you been
doing drugs?" should you reply, "Your eyes are looking
glazed, have you been eating donuts?" |
| What do you call junk e-mail that Hormel sends to advertise its
Spam canned meat product? |
| If we quit voting will they all go away? |
| If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi? |
| Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together? |
| What would we have called the color orange if it wasn't a fruit? |
| How quickly do hot cakes sell? |
| Why does Spiderman have only two legs? |
| What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway). |
| Does a grenade thrown into a kitchen in France result in Linoleum
Blownapart? |
| Is a Jamaican acupuncturist called Pokeyman? |
| Is Disney World the only people trap operated by mouse? |
| If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light
and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen? Steven Wright |
| Why can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Socket be friends? |
| Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune? |
| Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? |
| Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere,
but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt? |
| What if the Hokey Pokey is what it's all about? |
| Have you got 1 / 31,556,925,974th of one earth orbit around the
sun? (1 second) |
| Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad
at you, but when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head out
the window? |
| Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster? |
| Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? |
| You can't have everything. Where would you put it? |
If Wile E. Coyote has enough money to buy all that stuff from Acme,
why doesn't he just buy dinner? |
| If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? |
| Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word? |
| When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran? |
| When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else
decide to play chess? |
| Why is it that beauty is only skin deep but ugly goes all the way
through? Beetle Bailey |
| Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible for those who don't
have to do it? |
| Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're
both dogs! |
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? |
| Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? |
| If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about
him? |
| Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? |
| If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut,
why can't he fix a hole in a boat? |
| If nothing can stick to Teflon, how do they get the Teflon to stay
on the pan? |
| Where are we going and why am I in this hand basket? |
| Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an
"S" in it? |
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest but he always
ducked when someone threw a gun at him? |
| Why is it called a Hamburger when it's made out of beef? |
| What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man? |
| Why does sour cream have an expiration date? |
| If "Con" is the opposite of "Pro", then what
is the opposite of "Progress"? Congress? |
| Why buy a product that takes 2000 flushes to get rid of? |
| Why do we wait until a pig is dead to cure it? |
| Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? |
| Why do we put suits in a garment bag, and put garments in a suitcase? |
| Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? |
| Do Roman paramedics refer to "IV's" as "4's"? |
| Who needs a hot water heater? If the water is hot, why heat
it? |
| How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost? |
| How do you clean a vacuum? |
| If you black out, do you pink back in again? |
| We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart? |
| If mother knows best, what happens when two mothers disagree? |
| Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but
when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic? |
| How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost? |
| Did you ever stop to think ... and then forget to start again? |
| Have you ever noticed how anybody driving slower than you is an
idiot and anyone going faster is a maniac? |
| Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets? |
| If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be? |
| If worms can't swim, how come fish eat them? |
| If you're in a car going at the speed of light, does it make a difference
if you turn the headlights on? |
| Why not 3 nostrils? Or just 1 big one? |
| What is the difference between partly sunny and partly cloudy? |
| How come I always sit next to the one person in a movie theater
who just never understands what is going on? |
| Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? |
| How come icing has nothing to do with ice (it's not even cold)? |
| Do you really need a uvula? |
| If they ask Lincoln for an ID, does he pull out a penny? |
| If lemon oil comes from lemons, where does baby oil come from? |
| If a lambkin is a baby lamb, why isn't a bumpkin a baby bump? |
There is a CD out called "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane".
If you buy this, take it home, play it and enjoy it, should you
take it back and get a refund? |
| Photons have mass? Are they Catholic? |
| Why isn't phonetic spelled the same way it sounds? |
| Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? |
| Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? |
| Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited
there? |
| Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? |
| How does the guy that drives the snow plow get to work in the mornings? |
| If the 7-Eleven is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are
there locks on the doors? |
| If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? |
| You know how most packages say "Open here"? What
is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"? |
| Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? |
| Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? |
| Why is it that when you transport something by car it's a shipment
but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo? |
| Why is it that when your driving and looking for an address, you
turn down the volume on the radio? |
| Might a tank car full of helium be marked "Empty weight 80,000
pounds. Full weight 75,000 pounds"? Bob Rench |
| Is Watermelon a fruit or a vegetable? If you toss one in the
air it comes down squash. |
| If a tree falls in the woods and crushes a mime, does anyone care? |
| If, as the song says, the "skies are not cloudy all day"
are they cloudy part of the day? |
| What does it mean when the weather report calls for a "50%
chance of occasional rain"? |
| The appliance store sells microwave ovens. What do microwaves
taste like? Chicken? |
| What do chickens think we taste like? |
| At the bottom of an application where it says"sign here,"
is it OK to write "Sagittarius?" |
| Can you trip over a cordless phone? |
| If the orange juice can says "Concentrate" how long do you
have to wait? |
| If you miss the 44 bus can you take the 22 bus twice? |
| Did you know that 90% of all crimes occur around the home? It's
time to move. |
| Is it OK to use an AM radio in the evening? |
| What do you call a Jamaican acupuncture specialist? Pokeman. |
| If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs? |
| If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them? |
| If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what
are Girl Scout cookies made out of? |
| When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and
you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? |
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person
who drives a race car not called a racist? |
| If people from Poland are called "Poles", why aren't people
from Holland called "Holes"? |
| Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? |
| Why is a peanut called a peanut, even though it is neither a pea
nor a nut. |
| Why isn't "phonetic" spelled with an F? |
| Why is "dyslexia" so hard to spell? |
| Have you ever wondered where flies go in winter? |
| Rare things are expensive. A free horse is rare. So, why is a free
horse so expensive? |
Every time there is a plane crash they manage to recover those
black boxes. Why don't they make planes out of the same stuff they
make black boxes from? |
| If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags? |
| If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots? |
| Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we
are already there? |
| Why do you click on the "start" button to shut down Windows? |
If windows crashes and you restart the computer, why do they tell
you how to shut it down correctly if it is their fault? |
| Do you need to take a ruler to bed to see how long you sleep? |
| If practice makes perfect, and if nobody is perfect, why practice? |
| When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say? |
| What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way? |
| What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered
plant? |
| What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious? |
| Is there another word for synonym? |
| If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it homeless or naked? |
| If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? |
| If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? |
| If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up
with, "Quit while you are ahead"?! |
| If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come
from? |
| If a tin whistle is made out of tin, what exactly is a fog horn
made out of? |
| If they have to kill the rabbit to take its foot, why is a rabbit's
foot considered lucky? |
| What do they call a coffee break at the Lipton Tea Company? |
| If they tell you not to spill Coke on your computer keyboard, can
you spill Pepsi? |
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there
is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong? |
| If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUp? |
| Do atheists get insurance for acts of God? |
| If money is the root of all evil why do churches want it so badly? |
| Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? |
| Do pilots take crash-courses? |
| If swimming is such good exercise why are whales so fat? |
| If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from
a height what would happen? |
| Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? |
| What was the best thing before sliced bread? |
| Why is it that the less material a woman's clothing contains, the
more expensive the garment? |
| If black is a color and white is a color, why doesn't a black and
white TV show color pictures? |
| Do you need to ask for a price check at the Dollar Store? |
| How do you alphabetize M&M's? |
| Do you need a token to get on "Soul Train?" |
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of
me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Maybe I
just want want to be alone. |
| How do you know when it is time to tune your bagpipes? |
| The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should
be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take
the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself? |
| If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter? |
| What do people in China call their good plates? |
| What do you call a male ladybug? |
| When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? |
| Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? |
| Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? |
| Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? |
| Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't
drink and drive? |
| If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? |
| Why is a bra singular and panties plural? |
| If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what
does a freedom fighter fight? |
| If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil? |
| What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane? |
| Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? |
| Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin? |
| Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? |
| Why is a boxing ring square? |
| Why is it that rain drops but snow falls? |
| Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand? |
| Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? |
| Why do they call it a pair of pants but only one bra? |
| If one boll weevil is prosperous while his brother is not, is his
brother the lesser of two weevils? |
How many pieces of carrion luggage can a vulture bring onto an
airplane? |
| Why do we recite at
a play and play at a recital? |
| How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? |
| Why does a house burn up as it burns down? |
| Why do fill in a form by filling it out? |
| Why does an alarm goes off by going on? |
| Why is it that when the stars are out they are visible, but when the lights
are out they are invisible? |
| Why does quicksand work slowly? |
Why are boxing rings square? |
| Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? |
| Isn't it crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? |
| If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? |
| If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? |
| Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"? |
