| It takes real skill to choke on air, fall up stairs, and trip over completely nothing. He has that skill. |
Bessie Braddock: Winston, you are drunk, and what' more you are disgustingly drunk.
Winston Churchill: Bessie, my dear, you are ugly, and what's more, you are disgustingly ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober...
|
| At least he has found his true love. What a pity he can't marry himself. Frank Sinatra |
| His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. Mae West. |
| I have taken up photography because it is the only hobby where I can shoot people and cut their heads off without going to jail. |
| If you are such a great catch, why are you still single? |
| They say it is a sign of intelligence if you talk to yourself. If that is the case I must be a genius. |
| I've been repeating the same mistakes for so long that now I call them traditions. |
| Everyone is entitled to "stupid" once in a while but some people abuse the privilege. |
| If brains were dynamite, some people would not have enough to blow their nose. |
| He's slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. |
| He felt as conspicuous as a skunk at a perfume manufacturers' convention. |
| Never aggravate the 'gator before crossing the pond. |
| The difference between her and a battery is that a battery has a positive side. |
| He's so clumsy he got tangled up in a cordless phone. |
| This dude I know is so ugly that he makes blind children cry. |
| He's so ugly that on Halloween he has to trick or treat over the phone. |
| His trolley pole doesn't quite reach the wire. Bob Morrisson |
| He tried to get a job as an elevator operator but he could not remember the route. |
| He is so lucky that he bought a lottery ticket with the winning number. The ticket is from Maryland and the number is from Virginia. - Bob Morrisson |
| His gates are down, his lights are flashing, but there's no train in sight. |
| She's so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower. Sensei |
| She's so ugly she went for a walk in the park and was arrested for mooning. Sensei |
| He's so ugly the bank turned off its surveillance cameras when he walked in. Sensei |
| When she walks it looks like two badgers having a fight inside a burlap sack. |
| She's so ugly that when she cries the tears go down the back of her head to keep from looking at her face. From "The Ugly Stick" |
| He’s so boring that tele-marketers hang up on him. Bob Morrisson |
| She is a few cards short of a deck. |
| The clue phone is ringing but no one is picking up. Cheryl Wilkes |
| He is just a few cents short of a dollar. |
| His lights are on but no one is home. |
| His potato's been baking too long. Charles O’Toole |
| One can short of a six-pack.Jeff McCoy |
| He's cooking with gas but he has an electric stove. – Bob Morrisson |
| He is a tilt in the pinball game of life. – Bob Morrisson |
| He’s lower than whale manure, and that’s at the bottom of the ocean. Al Wright. |
| If you put that man in a paper bag with a flashlight and a map, he still couldn't find his way out. Charlotte Flounders |
| All stressed out and no one to choke. |
| Drink coffee. Do stupid things faster and with more energy! |
| I'm smiling. That alone should scare you. |
| They're making adults much younger these days. |
| There's no excuse for the way I'm about to behave. |
| Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. |
| I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are just missing. |
| NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning
medicine. |
| God must love stupid people; He made so many. |
| Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere! |
| They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken. |
| You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. |
| Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. |
| I used to have a handle on life but it broke. |
| Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. |
| I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. |
| My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. |
| Ordinarily he was insane, but he had lucid moments when he was merely stupid. Heinrich Heine (1797-1856) |
| Where I work, some folks need a lobotomy and some folks need a hemorrhoidectomy. The good news is that some of them can have both procedures done at the same time, and in the same place. Bob Morrisson |
| He does not have an enemy in the world, but all his friends hate him. Eddie Cantor. |
| Copernicus called. You are not the center of the universe.` |
| She was my melancholy baby. She had a body like a melon and a face like a collie. |
| An oxymoron is an idiot who smells like an ox. |
| It's an interface problem between the chair and the keyboard. |
| Some people are like a slinky. They are not much good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs. |
| Everyone has a right to be stupid but you are abusing that privilege, |
| You are only young once. Unfortunately, that was a long time ago. |
| She said to meet me at the corner of "Walk" and "One Way". |
| He studied for a blood test. |
| No, you do not need a ticket to get on "Soul Train". |
| She sold the car for gas money! |
| No, you do not need to use a stamp when you send a fax. |
| She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening. |
| She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front." |
| She thought "Boyz II Men" was a day care center. |
| He thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools. |
| He thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish holiday. |
| He has all the finesse of a jackhammer on a sparrow's egg. |
| He's as bewildered as a starfish in the middle of the Gobi desert. |
| He's as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. |
| He's not odd. He's just a different kind of vanilla. |
| He has a photographic memory that was never developed. |
| How can you tell which bottle contains the PMS medicine? It's the
one with bite marks on the cap. |
| What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him
how to work it! |
| I'd live life in the fast lane but I am married to a speed bump. |
| I clean house every other day. Today is the other day. |
| I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier. |
| My reality check bounced. |
| On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. |
| Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change
the subject. |
| My boss said I am doing the work of three men: Larry, Moe, and Shemp. |
| They said not to quit my day job. I'm a night watchman. |
| My boss told me I am his right hand man. He's left handed. |
| At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits. |
| It might look like I’m doing nothing but at the cellular level
I’m really quite busy. |
| My toys! My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys! |
| Who me? I just wander from room to room. |
| You sound reasonable. Time to up the medication. |
| It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of
Karma to burn off. |
| I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant. |
| What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? |
| Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. |
| The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re
an artist. |
| Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique
point of view. |
| I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. |
| I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. |
| I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a hoot. |
| You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. |
| He is so homely that the only we can get the dog to play with him is to tie a pork chop around his neck. |
| I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. |
| He was so homely that when he played in the sandbox the cat kept
trying to covering him up. |
| He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. |
| So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time. |
The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals
of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes! |
| Windows 98 is a 32 bit patch of a 16 bit GUI on top of an 8 bit
OS written for a 4 bit processor by a 2 bit company that can't stand
1 bit of competition. |
| Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games |
| You! Out Of The Gene Pool! |
| I took an IQ test and the results were negative. |
| I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. |
| He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged. |
| We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated. |
| My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states. |
| If all is not lost, where is it? |
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? |
| Bottomless pit of needs & wants. |
| Does your train of thought have a caboose? |
| I haven't lost my mind. It's backed up on a disk somewhere. |
| Boldly going nowhere. |
| Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. |
| Love me or leave me. Hey, where's everybody going? |
| Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by again? |
| Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains
all the letters from the word "criminal." The second? William
Jefferson Clinton. |
| Mary Poppins has quit the nanny business. She is now a psychic
working in Los Angeles and she helps people with bad breath.
The sign on her door reads: Super California Mystic -
Expert, Halitosis |
| The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't. |
| McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled
with vegetable soup. |
